Thought I’d start posting some of the letters I write, might give people some ideas about what they can do if going through the same thing.
20 November 2015
TO: Wairarapa Police
I really really need you to stop coming to my house when someone from a justice, health or political organisation phones you. It is a waste of your time and it hurts me, makes me feel even more worthless and ashamed. I am allowed to say I wish I was dead, just not allowed to say I am going to kill myself and I never ever have.
In the recent decision by Judge Tuhoy he says police were unreasonable in acting on the wilful trespass notice unreasonably given to me by Wairarapa DHB. Please can we look at these phone calls in the same way – that these organisations phoning you are being unreasonable and you don’t have to act on it. Part of what I do to stop the discrimination of thousands of disabled mentally injured and ill people is I am honest about how I feel and what is happening to me. That includes self-harming and the continuous hell of being suicidal after years of discrimination, degradation and neglect by ACC, etc.
Suicidal thoughts I have never acted on over the past 10 years – it is a living nightmare but if someone like me doesn’t keep challenging what is going on for suicidal people then nothing is going to change and more people are going to needlessly suffer, hurt others and die.
The self-harm is relatively new, thank ACC, mental health, poverty and my living situation for that. What I do won’t end my life, or cause me permanent damage, I hate telling you this – what I currently do is use rubber bands on my wrists which I flick, I stab myself with pens/pencils until it hurts, not so it draws blood and hit myself as hard as I can around my head where it can’t be seen under my hair and around my body. By doing this I can let off enough emotional pain so the suicidal thoughts don’t become overwhelming and I act on them. My psychiatrist, counsellor and doctor, as well as ACC, politicians and several mental health/justice organisations know this is happening, so do the many people I talk and write to (that phone you), doesn’t get me the care I need and am entitled to of course. If they are not concerned then why are police?
While talking to several people yesterday the words Duty of Care came up and how would my family feel if police didn’t respond and I killed myself – I’m really unwell, how other people feel is completely IRRELEVANT when you have Compounding Complex PTSD. Please note the compounding bit – so every trauma adds to the next because you have way more serious unresolved underlying traumas. Also people who kill themselves are free and don’t have to suffer anymore, it is a relief to the person who has done it – its only those left behind that get angry, mostly out of guilt. And of course it’s a recognised sign of a dysfunctional society, which we can thank the last 30 yrs of neo-liberal governments for.
This letter exonerates police from any responsibility if I do kill myself. I know from years of research, study and experience that police are USED by government to ‘control and manipulate’ people with mental health issues. This letter is to confirm it is neo-liberal politicians, ACC, mental health services and other justice and government agencies that have driven me mad with medical neglect, not the police (although you havn’t made things easy on occasion and I wish with all my heart you would take my complaints under Sections 150A 151 and 157 of the Crimes Act seriously).
This is NOT a suicide note, this is me just being frank and honest and trying to make things easier for ME – trying to manage impairments related to my disorder. If you truly do care (which I know some of you do) then don’t come, my neighbours see you here and I am ostracized even more, it makes ME feel worse. Also now you are being nice it is even harder, I do not want your pity – which is why its best that we don’t interact – there are bad people you should be dealing with – NOT ME.
Blaming police for people committing suicide due to unprofessional abusive inadequate mental health care is one of the most bizarre (immoral/cruel/corrupt) reactions to suicide I have witnessed. I hope this letter helps police understand and fingers crossed stops you from acting on these calls from people who say they are concerned for my welfare – when THEY ARE NOT.
Working on a report/complaint to the UN at the moment, will send you a copy when I’m finished, will be sending lots of people/organisations copies, especially those who phone police – I’m sure you will find it interesting. Please put this letter on my file, thank you.
Kia kaha to us all
Civil Society Actor
Human sewage living in the darklands