Category Archives: Diary

First draft, unfinished report on Ceilia Lashlie Day Feb 2016

Felt the need to post this first draft, even unfinished, show people where I am going and what I am doing.  Kia kaha to us all.

REPORT BY JR, following Celia Lashlie Day, Victoria University, Wellington 25 February 2016


 I knew attending this event was going to be a challenge and it was much harder than I expected as my stress disorder kicked in with what I was hearing.  14 years going to events like this, surrounded by well-meaning people within the system, saying the same things while the government creates a toxic environment that makes matters worse – I’ve had enough. Hopeful this report will be the catalyst needed to bring professional health and rehabilitation processes to the current VIOLENCE INDUSTRY – along with the much needed resources that are required by law but being illegally withheld.

 My time was spent writing pages of notes during the morning sessions so I will follow those for now.  I am not an academic and my stress disorder is bad so I apologise for any repeats, grammatical errors, spelling mistakes, informal page layouts, etc.

 As part of this report I would refer to my website – particularly my law, solutions and rehabilitation pages – with a business plan based on ACC law and Fence At The Top Of The Cliff rehabilitation model.  Facebook page /jrmurphypoetmusician;  twitter @jrmurphypoetry ; youtube channel  You will note from these social media that like Celia I don’t pull any punches, which gets me offside with many.  I am also living this nightmare, have a life-threatening stress disorder, have studied stress disorders extensively, understand Occupational Therapy concepts of professional rehabilitation, am spirituality aware; along with knowing ACC, disability, health, criminal, human rights and bill of rights laws.  And my experience at the hands of the current abusive, unprofessional, irresponsible, criminally negligent agencies is also invaluable.

 NO MORE – I am putting up with this experimental way we are dealing with traumatised people NO MORE – people are entitled to professional health care using professional health models – that is currently not happening which is a breach of Human Rights and Bill of Rights in the area of experimentation. (Please refer to the story by Gabrielle Quirk, why did it take a police officer to do this, where are our health professionals?) There have also been several other breaches of law which I will outline later in this report

 Under United Nations definitions I am considered a Civil Society Actor in this field and as such supposed to be treated with impunity, this is not happening after almost 20 police visits to my home in Dec/Jan/Feb.   Mostly welfare visits, because I was phoning people in health, justice or political areas who I knew were responsible for what was happening to me (or more correctly what was not happening) and telling them I wished I was dead because I couldn’t get care and bear to live in poverty, unwell and unemployed any longer.

 My neighbours have stopped talking to me and I have started having nightmares about police coming to get me after a couple of the officers decided to be vindictive because of all the calls.  I am currently in court for misuse of a telephone, for phoning ACC screaming at them if they didn’t reinstate my care, as required by two reviews, or help me and other abuse victims that God was going to reign down fire and brimstone on them.  I have also developed a tourettes type disorder after waiting 7 years to have my ACC care (12 hours and 5 people in a multidisciplinary team) reinstated from 2009 – so I swear when I am upset and threatened.

 Recently it was stated by media that John Tully had been begging and screaming for help before he had a psychotic episode and killed those two WINZ workers.  Just yesterday a Christchurch journalist reported how domestic violence doubled after Valentine’s Day earthquake.  It is a fact and those in power know that prolonged stress causes some people to become violent towards those around them.  The solutions and ‘health care’ I propose would almost eliminate this dysfunctional reaction.  The solutions I propose would not only help people currently harming and being harmed it would empower and educate people on how to stop others from this reaction – how to help them.  This knowledge is so powerful and works so well it would spread throughout our communities like the ‘wildfire’ – people everywhere are so desperate for solutions to violence.

 Ceilia Lashlie Day

 My mission is outlined in my business plan for Mental Injury Services and on my social media sights.  I take Ceilia’s work one step further, that is my soul’s objective – action not words.  My mission is not to work with vulnerable people directly (other than those currently around me) but to make changes in government and with those who have the power and money to change these violent dysfunctional ‘health’ outcomes – eg health, welfare, social, justice agencies and news media.

 Several of the agencies represented at the day were ones who have censored what I have been saying about ACC and professional rehabilitation for many years.  I am blocked from their social media and often discredited and insulted for what I know, the situation I am in and challenging their abusive systems.  Note: there are a small minority that have successful programmes but because of the appauling state of housing, inequality and unemployment now it makes even more dysfunctional people, hence the increases in violence.


The magic in every child: I completely agree, ACC purpose and entitlements believe in this too for abused children, but do not deliver.

 Honesty and CredibilityNot happening, I have been listening to the same rhetoric for 14 years and the same solutions that successive governments refuse to fund – when they are legally obliged to.

 Moral Courage: I didn’t see any moral courage in that room, when I challenged Dr Liz Gordon to go to the police and make complaints under 150A 151 & 157 of the Crimes Act she refused saying it would be too embarrassing.  She told me nothing could be done to make ACC follow the law and Human Rights laws weren’t enforceable in the case of discrimination against mentally injured and mentally ill people.  I am sure any other speaker or academic I would have spoken to on that day would have said the same things, she is just an indictment of how abusive and degrading the ‘violence industry systems’ have become.

 Social Well-being and Awareness: I am not finding this at all, the connections are inciting discrimination, bigotry, fear and ignorant misinformation.  Not the 21st century professional treatment care rehabilitation and justice that is supposed to be happening.  Leaders are making decisions and manipulating people rather than well educated health and welfare providers (I consider only 20% of them to be sufficiently qualified and trained to the level of understanding I have).  Our communities are not working together, mostly due to inequality and the stress of poverty, poor housing, misguided marketing/social engineering, etc.  This is the elephant in the room when it comes to addressing violence and our politicians particularly are in denial at the damage neo-liberal economic policies are having on our society – on our culture.

 Social Justice/Responsibility: The leaders of our communities hold the power to solve these problems – THE COMMUNITY ARE CURRENTLY THE VICTIMS OF ABUSES OF THIS POWER – victims of radicalised economic policies that are terrorising the poorest and middle classes, while advancing the wealthy.


I am a spiritual person but have become hostile and object to any prayers/karakia being said at anything to do with the ‘violence industry’.  Things have only got worse since these prayers began to be more widely used – you wouldn’t say them before a medical procedure or major operation and they are inappropriate in this context as well  (when ‘violent behaviour’ is approached from a health perspective as I do it).

 I apologise now if I cause offence, however people will have to accept what I am saying if ANY SERIOUS ACTION to stop the ‘violence industry’ is going to happen.

 Ceilia talked about the work she did directly with people and she did a great job, which is why she was loved by so many.  But we cannot leave this sort of care to chance, especially when through ACC law and professional health models (like Occupational Therapy) this care should be provided as of right, consistently and with well trained multi-disciplinary teams of health and welfare professionals.  Not multi-agency but multi-disciplinary teams, the haphazard unprofessional way we currently operate ends up with huge disparities in services throughout the country.  Many people instinctively know how to heal people and what they need, that is why my Mental Injury Services and Rehabilitation Model will fit with so many people reading this report.

 I was concerned with the implication that many abuse victims/violent people were doing some life-journey work and had to go through this themselves.  From my extensive study I believe it is not the severity of trauma a person experiences that causes them to become dysfunctional but the care they receive (or is omitted) after trauma.  We cannot change what happens to someone, we can provide a nurturing and safe environment after something happens.  When someone has been in a car accident we care for them, sew them back together, feed them, house them and allow THEIR OWN BODIES to repair – we need to apply this principle to mental injury.

 I read many news items etc on the violence industry and many commentators saying the issue is complicated and nobody really knows what to do.  THIS IS NOT TRUE, from my research we know what to do, we just choose not to do it, especially in regard to professional mental health care for abuse/trauma victims.  Mental Injury Services and Top Of the Cliff Fence are what ACC and others choose not to do.

 I was involved in the 10th Biannual Conference on Child Abuse around 2006 – that’s now 30 years of these gatherings, at a cost of how much?  Things are now worse, not better – they were arguing then about appauling lack of professional mental health services and adequate professional support.  Since then there have been more cuts, more inequality, more housing issues and more degrading welfare policies introduced – more severe stress and hence more violence (particularly sexual violence which I believe is 80% related to neglect not power).

 I was disturbed to see Duncan Garner involved in this group and the book launch.  He is someone I have been trying to get help from for years and been publicly abused degraded and discredited for it.  The way I approach violence is extremely challenging for people who are ignorant – if people had the extensive knowledge I did they wouldn’t act that way.  However society has become conditioned against violence due to extensive marketing campaigns like White Ribbon and Its Not OK (who have both censored my voice on social media).  Campaigns that put blame on those affected, rather than those who created this dysfunctional environment where 20% of the population suffer.

 CES’s Soul Work – Empowering Women

 I was disturbed by something that Ceilia said about not apologising for being middle class and educated.  Looking around the room the majority of people were like her – middle class and educated – many had been involved in the violence industry for many years.  All had seen violence statistics get worse and our societies mental health deteriorate – I don’t recall seeing anywhere how any of these people had taken to hunger strike in their cars outside Parliament in protest at the suffering and medical neglect they were witnessing (which of course they havn’t considered as I have.)

 It is one of the protest actions I imagine with cars lined up around Parliament, in them people on hunger strike against the appauling state of mental health services, particularly for abuse victims.  To imagine those cars full of people from this event taking a stand makes me cry as I am writing.  I imagine the daily speeches and workshops organised on the steps of parliament and beneath the Seddon statue, the local and international media lined up to speak to each of you about why you were there and what you knew.  I imagine the government and politicians being humiliated and disempowered by such a powerful direct action by academics, police, public servants and community leaders in the anti-violence industry.  I imagine this action – which would take no longer than a week to be successful – would not only change New Zealand’s response to violence and social issues but would also lead the world in this.  It would lead the world of academics and community leaders who deeply desire change but feel powerless in the face of dysfunctional ‘systems’ politicians and more to ACT.  I imagine disempowered abuse victims, those working in the violence industry and those begging for help coming from all over New Zealand to support this action, until thousands were gathered, all demanding WHAT IS RIGHT and ACTION.  Ahhhh I have a dream.

 Middle class educated people should apologise for who they are and that they are not doing EVERYTHING within their power to change what is going on in the world for traumatised people.  I am repeatedly arrested for my legal protests, repeatedly made to recount my trauma and have my traumatic stress disorder compounded by systems and people supposed to protect me both as a disabled vulnerable person and as an activist and Civil Society Actor (please refer to UN and google for definition).  I am poor with few academic qualifications, I am a frightened persecuted peasant of the lowest order – at the same time as I am well educated and empowered with truth and courage as my defences.

 In my solutions I am not asking that laws be changed and new science be adopted – although some may need to be (under urgency I would hope) – I am asking for laws and science to be adhered to.  For people with power to do what they say and people to be protected and cared for as they are supposed to be under ACC, health, disability, criminal, imperial, human rights and bill of rights laws. 

To get through this report I need to dream for a while and imagine how everything would happen if I could make this happen.  Firstly a plan of action which would include extensive training of those within the violence industry – some of whom would need to be removed due to personality disorders that would undermine and sabotage the new approach.  ACC would be at the forefront of rehabilitation for mentally injured abuse victims, they have the resources and infrastructure to do this.  Public mental health would work in conjunction with them to cover people mentally injured by other traumas, such as those in Christchurch after the earthquakes and those that witnessed violence but did not have it perpetrated against them.  They would also work in with mentally ill people and the challenges they pose.

 Media would be briefed and given extensive information to report, the community would be given hope and shown a plan that was real and had the backing of academics, community leaders, those who were experiencing violence and those who were perpetrating it.  The community would be educated about the part they would need to play in this, from one of hatred and fear to one of love and understanding.  I am reminded of the words in our National Anthem and my desire to be able to sing that song and mean/feel every word.

 I imagine six week ‘retreats’ being started all over New Zealand, every region to have these, so people are healed in their own community.  I imagine thousands of construction workers being moved off commercial projects on to building housing, in every community for every person who needed a safe home to live in.  I imagine these homes to be appropriate to the people who need them and designed in such a way to meet their needs both physically and socially.  They would also be as environmentally friendly as possible.

 I imagine asking not only government to provide money and resources but all charities within New Zealand to be focused on providing our most disadvantaged and unwell citizens their basic needs first and foremost – not sport, art or business – that would come later.

 I imagine a programme of free education for people wanting to work in this new era of health care for mentally injured and ill people.  Particularly the training of hundreds of Occupational Therapists, who I consider the most vital link in this rehabilitation process.

I imagine ACC buying properties throughout New Zealand to run these retreats as an investment in our own people rather than any other countries.  We must heal ourselves first before we can help others.  I imagine these places in the bush and beside the sea, around those places wealthy people already use to calm and care for themselves, such as Taupo. 

 Then I imagine the news headlines, the crime and violence statistics being slashed, the world recognition for our commitment to caring for people and the example we can set for other countries.  We are a small country it is easier for us because of our size to implement this.  Once it was successful then we could export those we have trained and healed to other parts of the world to facilitate change and peace in their countries.

 It makes you feel a little better when you can focus on your goal, especially one so grand and valuable to society.

 Now it is time to have a break my eyes are sore and go get some fresh air, be back soon, I am not stopping until this is finished today – you hear me Jayne, today 🙂


Why doesn’t New Zealand Parliament reflect our culture of kindness & charity

Was talking with a friend tonight about how, kind, charitable and friendly most New Zealanders are.  She’s originally from England, came here when she was 16.  She was talking about the Harvest Festival she went to on the weekend and how a friend of hers was chatting away to some people she thought he knew.  When he came to talk to her and she asked who they were he said he didn’t know them, that they were travelling New Zealand and decided to come to the festival as they had seen it on a poster – he had asked them to come and join their table for the rest of the day.  Sarah said if that was England there is no way anybody would do that, everybody stuck to themselves.

I recounted a story by a Chinese man I met protesting last year who was an English teacher and travelled a lot around the world.  He told me also that out of all the countries he had been to New Zealanders were the most friendly, anybody would talk to you on the street, give you directions, the time or help with almost anything you asked.  Even the way I had talked to him openly when I was sitting under Seddon outside Parliament, singing reciting poetry etc and had started the conversation while he was watching me.  He told me that would never ever happen in China, if a stranger approached you on the street, for any innocent reason, the person would be frightened not respond and even run away.  They would think the person was going to rob or harm them.  We talked for about half an hour, we connected, felt similar about the way the world was headed and the way it should be headed and when he left we hugged goodbye.

I asked him lots of questions about what China was really like, very interesting and very scary the control the government have over there – good to hear there were now lawless cities in China the government couldn’t even go into – hotbeds of rebellion.

There was also a report last year saying we were the 3rd most generous country in the world.

With all this information about our culture WHY IS OUR GOVERNMENT and PARLIAMENT mean, uncharitable, miserly, elitist, threatening, abusive, degrading, insulting and unkind to some of the most vulnerable and deserving people here?  Aren’t our members of Parliament supposed to represent ‘the people’, be a reflection of who we are and our culture?

Even our National Anthem talks about bonds of love and protecting us from dissension envy and hate.  All those things neo-liberalism and cruel capitalism (being different to capitalism that isn’t cruel and doesn’t violate human rights etc) have inflicted on us over the past 30 years.

Why are we doing this, why are we allowing this, is our parliament being run by another country with a different culture? Is our country being run by cruel rich globalists and gambling addicts with psychopathic tendencies obsessed with money and power at all costs?

I know if we keep down this neo-liberal path we will lose the special connection we have with each other in New Zealand, we will lose that part of our cultural identity most of us have that sets us apart from the rest of the world.

At what point are they going to wake up and realise what they have created and allowed is very bad and does not reflect who we are, it does not follow our most precious constitutional laws or criminal law, nor the promises made in our National Anthem.  At what point are the people who vote for this meanness and unkindness going to demand change?

Kia kaha and Aroha to us all.

Email to New Zealand politicians, police, human rights organisations, ACC

Email sent to following people:  ACC Complaints; SUTTON, Michael (police) ; Sarah Jones (ACC case manager); Marama Fox; max.rashbrooke; Health & Disability Commission; HRRT (Human Rights Review Tribunal); Human Rights Commission; Sue Moroney MP; Nikki Kaye MP; Amy Adams MP;; Stuff website Fairfax;; Complaints Ombudsman; michelle Brough (police)

I had to go to the supermarket today, cry when I go there now, so ashamed – thankfully people don’t usually notice the tears rolling down your face, because you’re not sobbing.  After I had my card decline over $7 last week to even walk in is humiliating,  I can’t go to the counter with the young guy who served me that day all I get is visions of self-harming.

Walking around trying to work out how to get enough food to deal with your bulimia and have enough money to do other things, like buy gas for the stove.  Its much like after you are raped when you go out and feel like you have a neon sign on your forehead that says poor worthless loser please despise me.  You try not to look around, keep your head down, there are so many nice things that you are not allowed, you only buy things on special.  I’ve been keeping my receipts to prove the sort of food I am forced to buy – I did do a really bad thing today, its like an addiction thing.  I was feeling so bad when I woke up this morning about what a revolting person I am I went to Masterton (which is 15 mins away) and had $6 worth of McDonalds, which I almost inhaled (part of the bulimia you refuse to deal with, that you have known I have had for years and costs me money).  Then I went to a café and had a coffee and a savoury scone while I wrote in my diary.  Saw someone I used to work with avoided looking so she wouldn’t come up to me, so ashamed, started feeling sick and trying to work out how to get out of the café without her commenting.  If she did say hello, she would want to know how I am and what I was doing.  I have nothing I could say, I’m a worthless loser rotting on welfare, I am nothing I do nothing, not real work, not like people want you to talk about.  She is a National Party person if I told her the truth she wouldn’t know how to respond and would despise me for it.  She knew what an intelligent person I am and what a good worker I am, she would just consider me a bludger if I told her the truth.  I am so ashamed I managed to escape without making eye contact – won’t go to a café ever again.  Now feel really bad that I spent the money.  Its pay day today, only allowed to spend money one day a week now, that’s how little I have.


Back to the supermarket, I keep my head down, I stand in front of things I want/need for ages, just looking trying to decide how desperate I am and what I will have to give up in order to buy that thing.  I stand there and tears start rolling down my face I can’t stop them, I drop my head so nobody will see, I try not to make eye contact with anybody.  If I see somebody I know who might ask how I am I avoid them, hide from them.  I try not to look what other people have in their trolleys but sometimes I just can’t help it – look at all the nice things they have.  I have $1 bread, $1 can tomatoes, $2.50 of luncheon, 2 x $3.50 eggs (good eggs on special that will last me the week, maybe even 2 wks), cheese slices on special (yippee havn’t had cheese for months) – this week I needed shampoo and conditioner – its $10, I wipe away my tears while nobody is watching.  My heart hurts, I want to run out of the shop onto the main road and in front of a truck and die – this is what my life is going to be like for the rest of it – I don’t want to live.  I havn’t heard from ACC so I am assuming they are never going to contact me again or do anything to get my care back so I will never work, I will be left with no hope, no job living in the most degrading poverty on earth.

When my card declined last week the young guy said well at least we don’t live in Bangladesh but I wish I did.  Living with so little around so many people who have so much is the most degrading hell on earth.  Living the first 37 years of my life with everything I needed and the time since I was raped with so little – but more now I don’t have the kids is the worst.  The worst hell on earth, at least poor people in third world countries aren’t surrounded by people gloating about what they do have.  Spending/wasting money on things that aren’t even important, like the new statue in town, built by Lions from charity money.  The mayor said he would get me some wood a few weeks ago, said he would get me food from the food bank but he didn’t get me the food, even though I phoned him, I was so scared about the wood not coming and freaking out about being cold this winter I spent the last of what Dulcie gave me.  Now I have nothing if one of my kids needs me or there is an emergency.

I cant go to the food bank, I would be able to and I would be able to get food that I know I am eligible for if I had the mental health worker, a social worker or Occupational Therapist I am entitled to under ACC.  I can’t go there because the last time I did I was so humiliated and degraded by the woman I have become phobic about going.  I am very frightened, I get very frightened and self-harm after the supermarket, binge and vomit usually as well.  I feel so worthless and humiliated that I am so poor.

HAvn’t heard from my mother since Xmas, she’s older now, has a heart condition, she’s mean to me because I am poor, hates that I don’t work because she knows I am intelligent.  I don’t tell her about my protesting or anything, she just abuses me for it – I’m a bludger, I waste police time, I’m a loser, I should just get over it, how good it is my dog died now I won’t have to buy food for her and when I move again I won’t need to worry about getting somewhere I can have her.  I see my brother in law (who lives in our old family home where my mother has a unit attached) was in the paper, got a payout with others cause his boss said something in the paper about him and others that she wasn’t supposed to.  $100,000 wow, lucky them – my sister and him hate my guts – only seen there kids about 4 times in their lives, the oldest is 10.  Mostly because I’m poor and they vote National, love John Key so hate my guts for bludging when they know I’m intelligent.  I remember once playing a game where you answer questions and me and him were answering almost all the questions.  Sad I have been rotting on welfare for 14 years thanks to ACC refusing to provide me the treatment care and rehabilitation I am entitled to.

Last time I was home a friend paid for me and the girls to go.  It was 18 months after mums heart attack, I hadn’t been able to visit until my friend gave me the money.  I had to stay with my sister ,  my daughter had told me I wasn’t allowed to argue so I didn’t.  The first day we were there he couldn’t help himself and told me he didn’t agree with welfare – said we shouldn’t have it.  I looked at him and suggested he go and visit a country with no welfare then walked away.  My own family would prefer I had nothing and lived on the streets begging because I am disabled by my mental injury and can’t go for a job interview.  That’s what the main reason is I can’t get work, after 14 years of course its much much worse than that, now I have no qualifications and who is going to employ an insane bludger that hasn’t worked for that long – NOBODY.

In 2009 my OT and I had worked out that the not guilty verdict had created a phobic reaction to being judged, which manifested by not being able to go for a job interview.  Or having a severe reaction to being judged.  Its like when I was in court for legally protesting at ACC last year, I was flipping out as I was forced to represent myself, when I realised the judge was corrupt and abusive I couldn’t stay in the room until the end I became so traumatised I started rocking backwards and forwards in my chair with my hands over my ears chanting.  I had a security guard escort he was really nice.  If I had stayed I would have gone tourettes on it and started swearing at her because it was so unfair.  Why was I being prosecuted in court for a the same crime I had only months before been acquitted of (wilful trespass of ACC).

Why was I being prosecuted for legally protesting about ACC refusing to reinstate my professional care after repeatedly saying they would then refusing.  Sarah Jones promised my care would be reinstated as it was in 2009 last year, when she phoned me out of the blue I made sure I asked it very plainly, over and over again and she said yes.  It is almost a year since that phone call and I’m still here rotting on welfare, but worse off.  Much more isolated.

I seldom go out with my friend S, she asks me but I can’t bear being around her and her friends, they have money and I am deeply humiliated that I can’t afford to have a drink and mostly can’t participate in conversations because I don’t work.  I don’t go on holidays, I don’t buy things, I don’t go to cultural events, I don’t visit my family.

A few weeks ago I did go to Wellington and attend a National Library lecture called Kicking the Boundaries, gave me lots of ideas about how to use the National Library to research plays, poetry etc.  So many normal people there, felt like the neon sign was above my head again telling everybody what a loser I was.  Although for a couple of hours I thought about all the things I could do, as I was leaving the loud voice in my head told me – NO POINT IN THINKING ABOUT THIS YOU HAVE NO MONEY AND NOTHING YOU EVER WANT TO DO WORKS OUT – YOU CAN’T FILL OUT THE FORMS TO GET FUNDING, ACC ARE NEVER GOING TO HELP YOU – SO JUST SHUT UP YOU LOSER.  I left crying.

I attended the Ceilia Lashlie Day, used all my food money to get there, I had a bad reaction coming up to lunch, seeing all those people there getting paid to be in the VIOLENCE INDUSTRY, saying the same things they have been saying for over a decade that I know of and decades before that.   Am currently writing a report on what happened that day and my disgust at seeing the same people and hearing the same rhetoric.  Only worse because they were gloating about how women in prison who had killed people were getting help to go to university – which ACC refuse me (and I had to quit university last year when I tried to go back, but was left with the $3000 loan and yet another failure).  How these people in prison were getting health care, study support, to be around others and work.  They had somewhere stable to live and were around other people.  They talked about the couple retreats which were like the residential care I had been begging for.

The following week I heard of some other things at Victoria I went to, I cried several times when there, I so miss it, I so love study and learning things, being part of something – being a student is something to be.  I went to a lecture about capitalism and participated with my take on human rights being a way of stopping the cruel corrupt neo-liberal form of capitalism the poorest people were currently being terrorised by.  I had some interesting conversations with intelligent people, wish I didn’t have to be at home alone almost every day.  I went to a screening of the Palestinian documentary 5 Broken Cameras, I took notes and cried through that too.  All those NZers there because of Palestine who refuse to address the same issues in New Zealand for poor worthless human sewage like me.  That disabled poor NZers are losing their homes and means of growing food because of the lack of housing, especially over the past 30 years while the government has been trying to get rid of state housing.  Now we are forced to rent and move repeatedly so we can’t grow food, I know I had to leave several gardens I had tended and spent money on, will never do it again – its too traumatic.  Wish I was dead – our government and ACC think life in New Zealand is good for people like me rotting on welfare, they think we’re lucky – when we are treated worse than vermin.

What is the point in giving people charity if you are going to degrade, humiliate and abuse them for it?  ACC put me through this so they dont’ have to provide me the treatment care and rehabilitation I am entitled to – I don’t know why they are doing this, I can’t understand when there are laws saying what I am entitled to that I am forced to do go through this nightmare, wanting to die every day as I’ve given up hope.  The only reason I stay alive now is to protest and get care for other people, so the world is a better place for my children and their children, so they’re not raped and abused, so they have a chance and so do future generations.  One day I will give up and kill myself, I look forward to that day.







Post to Dr Liz Gordon, passive/aggressive from Celia Lashlie Day

As you know I seldom check my comments after so much degrading abuse, well today I decided to and most of it was spam, except for a short email from Dr Liz Gordon abusing me for not publishing her previous long email – which I cannot read (part of my phobia stuff).

I met Dr Gordon at the Ceilia Lashlie day a couple of weeks ago, spoke to her for 20 mins and it became obvious she was just another MAGGOT in the system.  These are the people who feed off the puss filled sore that is social decay, people getting paid to investigate things in the VIOLENCE INDUSTRY – our universities are full of them – even though we are well aware of what to do and why we have violence.  We don’t have a whole planet covered in intelligent educated people that have made it there life’s work to understand causes of violence, trauma, etc and how to create a peaceful society – THEY ARE EVERYWHERE and they have been around for decades (more correctly hundreds of years).  Its how I know what I know and fight so hard to get the care people are entitled to by law.

She perfectly fits the profile of prison guard who allows prisoners to be degraded by other abusive guards by justifying it as not her responsibility and laughing inappropriately.  She makes jokes about how she loved being called a Maggot, then chastises me in the nicest passive/aggressive way she can about not posting her previous longer comment.  Obviously not knowing I seldom look at my comments section and have said several times on my website that I don’t so people should get hold of me other ways.

NOTE: The reason I lost it with her at Celia Lashlie Day, is I knew she could change what was happening for me and so many others.  I asked her to take what she had learnt through her research and make a complaint to police that the New Zealand government were in fact knowingly causing harm with their economic and social policies.  She refused, FIRSTLY telling me it would be too embarrassing and police wouldn’t listen to her, then giving a whole range of other excuses.

I know challenging people like her doesn’t help the situation, but then they don’t help the situation either.  Even the $millions of wrap around services the government intend to put into gang families isn’t going to work in the long term (note it will work for a few of the families & the govt will pretend it is a raging success and cut funding), because it creates a situation where on a subconscious level people will come into these situations just so they can get help.

From what I have seen of John Tully’s trial and life he is in a similar position, driven mad, driven to violence and ending up with somewhere stable to live, where he will get health care, three meals a day, acceptance and psycho-social interaction he desperately needed.  He will get to talk to the likes of Dr Gordon who go to prisons to help people there.  He will get to work within his capabilities, get to study, he will have meaning in his life – he will be something because he is a murderer – before this he WAS NOTHING.  I recall telling Dr Doris the psychiatrist how I was NOTHING, how I just wanted to be something.  Being an activist mostly fills that gap for me (and I thank all my supporters for their genuine love and validation) but there is still the ‘old me’ who wants to be valued/paid for the work I do or talents I have (I dream of being a playwright or consultant in mental health area implementing the treatment care and rehabilitation I know people are entitled to and getting paid for it, so I am able to live with dignity – so I my kids, family and community will be proud of me, rather than ashamed).

I must get on to writing my report about Celia Lashlie Day and writing up the my thoughts on the other events etc I have been attending when in Wellington.  Pretty sure I avoiding doing it because of the pain, sadness and trauma it will cause.

Maybe one day all these ‘educated middle class’ people who say they want to help and change the system while they’re getting paid by it (AND THE VIOLENCE ONLY GETS WORSE), will come to Wellington and park their cars outside Parliament and start a hunger strike until the government does what the law says it must.  YEAH RIGHT!  Imagine 100 health and welfare professionals outside any country’s Parliament on hunger strike – the world media would have a field day – the local media would have a field day – the government would have to listen and be forced to change the way they are operating forever.

Kia kaha to us all, especially the likes of Dr Gordon.

Diary Entry Saturday 5 March 2016

Revolting day, barely able to do anything, couldn’t even put the washing on, or vacuum the car like I had wanted.  Spent most of the afternoon in front of the television channel surfing, wanted to go for a swim at the river but couldn’t bring myself to do it.  Have been sitting here thinking why I couldn’t move – of course there is no reason to, no person to cook for or be responsible to, no children, no family, no friends – the only friends I feel safe around are on facebook – which of course doesn’t make up for human contact.

All I have done all day is eat, after getting really upset at the supermarket yesterday when my card declined $7 and I had give the young guy serving me $1.50 in small change.  I transferred $20 from my firewood account – which is now at $80 and firewood is going to cost $700 – to buy some food.  I’m not eating what I would usually eat now I am so poor.  I bought some marrows because I got more for my money and one of the things I have been eating is grated and fried marrow – I couldn’t afford cabbage to go with it 🙁

I am 50 years old and having to deal with no knowing if I am going to be able to provide for myself on an almost daily basis – one of the most traumatising and stressful things any human has to deal with on a long term basis – makes my ability to function almost impossible.

I did go out to the Saturday market but it made me feel bad and a couple of people I know there were nice but when I started talking about what was happening, tried to change the subject and told me to do some crafts and they hoped things changed.  Things don’t change, things just get worse and so long as those people are having a good life, other people’s suffering is just something they don’t want to hear about.  That is why it is imperative the leaders of our society do listen and do something.

Its like everybody is in denial that it has become so bad in the darklands, they get ‘happy happy we’re great’ propaganda shoved down their throats everywhere.  Mostly through television – I understand now why most poor people I know don’t watch television they watch movies, who wants to be bombarded by what everybody else has and brainwashed to want what you can never have.  The current programming on all channels is horrendous, especially with house buy – I mean BUYING THE BYOU.  WTF is that bullshit, why would anybody in New Zealand want to watch garbage like that?

Was reading about John Tully earlier today and what was happening to him before he lost it and killed those WINZ workers.  He had been made homeless because of his disability and when he tried to return to his home town of Ashburton to die he was told there was no home for him.  I know 1000s of state houses in small towns were sold off in the 1980s and 90s – this has created and English type of elitism where the rich live in the country and small towns while the disabled poor are driven to the outskirts of cities in dysfunctional communities.  I assume so there is a cheap labour force for those who have money to use when they need them.

Carterton has a few flats for older people but no state/social housing for disabled people – they don’t want human sewage like me living here, they want rich people from overseas of the city moving in.  The mayor even said how great it was in the paper a couple of weeks ago.  Its like I’m a leper, something that these rich ignorant people here about in statistics but don’t actually believe exist.  They only believe everybody who is rotting on welfare with a disability is a bludger who doesn’t want to work – that is what they have been told and that is what it is easiest for them to believe.

Had the police here again yesterday, someone from either Gerry Brownlee’s Anne Tolley’s or Nikki Kay’s office phoned to ensure I was bullied and threatened with arrest if I kept phoning them telling them how bad life was for me and so many others.  Its truly sick what they are doing – separating themselves from the severe harm they are causing with their advancement of the rich and persecution of disabled poor.  This is uncivilized behaviour I believe driven by fear, stressed fearful people become mean, the strong attacking the weak is one of our most basic instincts.

Was reading on the Cultursafe facebook page that NZ has one of the worst cultures of bullying in the OECD.  That of course comes from the bullying and uncivilized behaviour of those who lead this country – both local and central government, media and big business people.  Letting these revolting people get away with human rights violations that are driving people to violence, addiction and suicide is so disturbing it freaks me out.  That our legal system didn’t stop this as it should have makes the fight against this gross miscarriage of justice seem insurmountable – but someone’s got to challenge them.

Was so disgusted by the behaviour of Chris Bishop in the house I emailed him and told him what I thought of his behaviour and pointed out that it was a lie to say the government was working for ALL New Zealanders.  When you consider what I have lost in the 7 years since these murderers and abusers came to power.  Firstly they put John Judge (business round table) into Chair ACC whose staff then illegally dumped thousands of disabled people like me off their books.  They did not build the required state housing for the disabled people they were obliged to by law.  In fact they closed thousands of homes for disabled and poor people, citing earthquake risks.  Then sold off most of it to rich organisations to develop into something different.

Paula Bennett would have to be the worst and most abusive MP of all, she cut the Training Incentive Allowance so I wasn’t able to study (even though I had been studying law in 2001 the year before I was raped and ACC was supposed to help me back to my previous life – they didn’t).  She made sure that human sewage like me had even less of an opportunity to be like other New Zealanders and own a home – I pay my rent every week, why can’t I pay a mortgage and have somewhere safe and stable to live.  Why do middle class people get to borrow money but I don’t.  Disability laws and other documents say disabled people are supposed to be able to have what ‘normal’ citizens do.

I believe the way the government has treated the housing of its citizens was a way of replacing income lost by driving hundreds of thousands of manufacturing jobs to overseas countries and poorer people.  So many people have rental properties now and most landlords or agents (so landlords don’t have to deal with any of the poor tenants) that is their means of income.  They hate spending any money on these homes of course and the prejudice they use to find tenants is causing dissension envy and hate among so many, especially young, those with children, single parents and disabled people like myself.

I have a friend who is an agent for a rich family with several rental properties, she tells me how she chooses new tenants – its against human rights laws but she doesn’t even consider that.  NO young people that might make a mess, NO children that might make a mess, NO unemployed people (which includes disabled people like me of course), NO people in temporary employment, NO people that look like they might make a mess.  That is how majority of landlords think, so where are people to live.  Someone who considers me a friend says to my face I couldn’t afford to live in any of the houses she manages.  She thought she might borrow some money to get her own rental property but worked out I wouldn’t be able to pay enough to cover the mortgage like she needed.

Lately I’ve been saying if I can’t work I don’t want to live – which is true – along with the fact that not working in the prime of your life means you are living in ‘relative poverty’.  People despise you and are scared of the situation you are in as they might end up there too if something happened to them – so avoiding me is the best option.

Had an interesting talk to Lord Nelson, policeman last night – just same police stuff about being concerned for my welfare – when they obviously are not.  He said the people who phone them are more concerned about themselves being seen to do something so if I did kill myself they couldn’t be held responsible.  Police only come to my house so they won’t get held responsible if I do kill myself.  Even though they have a duty of care to me – they actually make the duty of care to my family friends and community.  The government and our community hates the fact people are killing themselves, it points to an extremely dysfunctional society.  Of course the Christian belief that suicide is a sin creeps into everything – when of course people suicide when they aren’t loved and cared for as the bible dictates.

I remember listening to a teacher I know recounting the aftermath of a 14 year old girl killing herself at the college she worked at.  The way the school came together and supported each other, were supported by the community etc – it was sickening.  If a young person is going to commit suicide (because attempting it and failing just makes you more despised and rejected) the huge fuss that is made for those ‘left behind’ is DYSFUNCTIONAL.  I find that with many family members and people who have had people kill themselves (and you only have to look at the number of support groups for people who have had someone they love suicide) that they get massive amounts of attention, when mostly they are the ones who caused the death of the person who did commit suicide.

John Kirwan is being rammed down our throats on TV advertising at the moment, makes me want to smash the TV.  What an ignorant moron, telling people that going to a website was going to get them out of depression – a man who has all his basic human needs met obviously.  How is a website going to fix someone that has depression because of abuse, neglect, trauma, fear of homelessness or unemployment, debt etc etc.  People need people when you’re dealing with any psycho-social issue – telling people to go to a website that was apparently helping 1000s to overcome depression and anxiety is a joke.  Statistics only get worse for suicide depression, self-harm, eating disorders and more.  Also saying depression is about fear and a few other things but not saying depression is about BEING SUICIDAL is seriously disturbing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  If those in authority can’t even tell the truth then there is no hope these people are going to get the help they need.

Legally if people, especially those with disabilities (including people mentally injured by abuse and trauma) don’t have their basic human needs met – as outlined by Maslows Pyramid of Needs – then they are being discriminated against and suffering criminal neglect.’s_Hierarchy_of_Needs.svg/2000px-Maslow’s_Hierarchy_of_Needs.svg.png

None of my needs on that pyramid are currently being met, NONE OF THEM, so is it any wonder I have suicidal thoughts constantly and self-harm, throw up food, tick, react badly to stressful situation, swear and talk to strangers about the serious situation I am in.  No wonder some days I can’t move, I spend most of my time trying to work out how to get my most basic needs met, which at the moment in our corrupt cruel immoral country is fighting the government for professional care from ACC.  No wonder I have an extremely heightened fight flight and freeze response.

What I am talking about is well known to thousands of experts & lay experts around the world.  Why aren’t they doing something about this – its truly sick and proves those in power are truly cruel and corrupt – they put their own ignorance and prejudices ahead of medical science.

Was watching an item about decriminalising all drugs on facebook today, the explanation the man gave as to how to heal/help people with addictions was amazing – fits perfectly with everything I have been saying, with my rehabilitation model and business plan.  Why wouldn’t it, my solutions are based on science not on ignorance and prejudice.

Need to get back to my report on the Celia Lashlie Day and get it sent – just part of me that believes nothing will change, nothing ever changes, things just get worse because we HATE people we should unconditionally love.  That is what the media says, the government says, lawyers say, the courts say and the leaders of our communities say.

Need to update my poem about supermarket shopping, how much it used to make me sad, now it makes me cry and want to kill myself.  Walking through a supermarket with $7 to get a loaf of $1 bread, I try not to look at the food everybody else can buy, food I used to be able to buy. Seeing people with trolley’s full of food, food I used to eat but can no longer afford.

Today I made a curry with chick peas, onions courgettes, pumpkin, carrot and a can of tomato soup someone had given me.  I had all the spices from ages ago.  Its still mid summer and hot but that’s all the food I can afford at the moment – plus it is comfort food and I’m still full from a plateful of it at 4pm with some rice I cooked yesterday.  What I really would have preferred to eat was breakfast of toast and an egg, lunch of a ham or chicken salad sandwich and some fruit, and dinner of perhaps chops and salads.  Can’t afford potatoes 🙁

I hear the neighbours coming and going, people visiting them, most of my visits are from police.  I don’t even play music any more, just have it quiet or with TV going.  I wonder if they’re going places to see people, have barbecues and be with family and friends, going to the river, having their nieces and nephews to stay 🙁

Feel a bit better now, its dark, have slept several times today so expect not to be able to sleep much tonight.  Want to go and busk at the farmers market in Carterton tomorrow, that would go down like a cup of cold sick – imagine me turning up singing Human Sewage, I wish I was Dead, Why Am I Arrested, Torture Wheel etc.  Nobody wants to hear this stuff, nobody in this town.


Mr Brownlee, Mr Key you are missing an opportunity here

You think I am the enemy and I am not, the things I propose in my business plan are all based on medical and scientific evidence.  We could become a world leader in healing people, we have the environment for it, although we need to practice what we preach about Pure New Zealand.

There are so many traumatised people in the world we could set up lodges and rehabilitation centres where we helped people firstly in New Zealand, then around the world to heal from violence, war and natural disasters.

We could use the arts, nature and ‘love’ dare I say it to bring people back to a peaceful society – like some countries around the world are already achieving.  We need to become civilized towards each other, use what we already know and spread this to all parts of the planet.  We need to be an example of how to run a country – that avoids any economic or social policies that bring dissension, envy and hate – which cruel capitalism and neo-liberalism has.

It is wrong in all moral and legal ways to stop people from getting this care when you are prepared to spend money in other countries, supporting other people’s ideas, on massive debt, which you choose to have by not taxing the 10% wealthiest.

I also envisage theatre and an internationally reknown arts and  music scene for people who have come here to heal and the current tourists.  To have that we need to value and support New Zealand artists of all genre, which means safe housing and enough food to eat, with means to travel and share their work.

We should not be a playground for the rich, which is what this country has become.  I find this irresponsible and inciting the very things our national anthem says we must not have.

Bessell van der Kolk says we must listen to our artists, read my poetry, hear my story.

I attended a screening of the 5 Broken Cameras about Palestine.  My story is in my poetry and songs, photos and videos- I know what is wrong and I believe we know how to fix it.  Giving a person the opportunity to be successful is still a principle of the National Party isn’t it?

You view me as left wing, what I am suggesting is not left wing it is medical science, the laws are there to provide this, they are not being adhered to in regards to abused, traumatised and mentally ill people and I demand that change!

At what point are you going to contact ACC and tell them to do what Dr Doris, Jenny Kirby, Glender Long and myself say needs to happen with regard to my rehabilitation.  That is all I have asked for, that the care I am entitled to be provided – like ACC, health, disability, criminal, human rights and bill of rights laws demand.

Also I was told nobody will see me because they are scared of the bollocking they are going to get.  You are the leaders of this country, you are supposed to deal with the most difficult issues, not censor or ignore them.  Please refer to the Milburn Experiment, it is imperative people in authority see what they are doing to our communities on a story by story basis.


Socialist talk on Capitalism – Vic Uni 2 March

Have woken up thinking about the event I went to last night, organised by International Socialists Aotearoa and the following are my thoughts.  I do not want this to be seen as a criticism of this group as I know those of us to the ‘left’ need to stick together as those to the ‘right’ do.

There was some great discussion, far better than anything we currently see on our televisions or within any of our media.  Nuts and bolts stuff, fundamental principles, not superficial bullshit – mmmm an idea, we need to get some of these discussions recorded and onto a youtube news channel.  We need other people to see what we talk about, especially those who have been radicalised against socialism, like some opposing religion to be afraid of and wiped out.

My strongest criticism is the approach of ‘the right, capitalists, etc’ being the enemy we are fighting.  Although this is understandable and I do it myself as it is easier to understand why such large numbers of people would choose an economic and political system that advances the rich and persecutes the poor.  That destroys society, creating violence, unemployment, fear, division, poverty, addiction and social dysfunction, along with destroying the planet.

We need to approach the enemy as ignorant, uneducated, immature and fearful – rather than separating ourselves from them we need to bring them around to our way of thinking.  Which will be no easy task, but it can be done, just like neo-liberals manipulate the population, so can we.

This year is Year of the Monkey time to get up to mischief, getting through to people is best done through humour from what I have seen.

Ceilia Lashlie Day, Victoria University

Was concerned about how I would go at this event, imagined myself becoming enraged about the rhetoric I’d heard dozens of times before, storming down the front of the group and giving them a bollocking about talking shit and doing nothing.

Had to hold on to my chair at one point from doing just that and walked out of the session between lunch and afternoon tea – to stop myself from doing it.

Wrote pages of notes during the morning, mostly critical of the speakers and hearing the same shit I have been listening to for over a decade since I became embroiled in the VIOLENCE INDUSTRY after I was raped.  Will do a full report and send to the speakers, funders and media involved in this event when finished.

I’m sure Ceilia would approve of me not pulling any punches and doing what I believed was my soul work to ensure abused men women and children got the care and resources they are entitled to under ACC law – so we could heal our communities and create the peaceful country we ALL desire to live in.

For  now I’ll just tell you some of what happened as a debrief.

I had to keep reminding myself that the people at this event are totally focused on people who have troubled histories and turn to crime as a result – while many of us don’t we just suffer and kill ourselves.  So the room was full of people in the system, working for the system, relying on this dysfunction for purpose and money, some were funders of a few charitable organisations and then there was me and one other woman.

I wasn’t doing too bad until I started listening to a woman academic doing a writing programme at one of the prisons and talking about her success with an inmate (there for a long time so obviously killed someone) who she was helping her get her degree in history.  Exactly the help I am supposed to be receiving from ACC to return to study, return to my life before I was hurt.  Grrrr started ticking badly, crying, rocking etc.  The people around me were nice, but I even have to manage that as I don’t want to be touched by these people who obviously know the problems but would never get off their arses and get arrested for protesting about them.

Something Ceilia said, as there was quite a bit of video of her over the years, which really annoyed me was her statement that she would not apologise for being middle class and educated, in her staunch voice.  That is what I was looking at around me, middle class educated people who mostly had not experienced the pain and dysfunction of overwhelming trauma.

NOTE: Rather than refer to these people as abused it has become even more important recently (with what is happening in ChCh) that as Bessel vanderKolk explains it is the impact of OVERWHELMING TRAUMA that causes dysfunction.  There might be slightly different impacts if it is caused by sexual abuse, violence, witnessing suicide violence etc but the ultimate result is the same. 

It was also obvious from what I heard, it is the unconditional care we give after overwhelming trauma that is the difference between recovery and continuing dysfunction.

I talked to a few people about what was happening to me and my repeated arrests etc for protesting about the lack of professional health care for traumatised people, particularly abuse victims who were entitled to ACC treatment care and rehabilitation.

There were several speakers talking about some really good things happening with retreats run for couples in violent relationships etc.  However they had totally discounted getting the government to do anything and were searching for private donations – which of course is exactly what neo-liberals want.  Those things that were discussed, were all being run in prisons and mostly through police, so only available at the bottom of the cliff.

There were some extremely naive comments that had me making comments that only those around me could hear – I really tried not to.  One of them was, the best thing you can do for someone is just listen – GRRRRRR WHAT A LOAD OF SHIT!  Listening to someone in a serious situation then walking away is BULLSHIT.

There was a lot of comment from people working with dysfunctional trauma victims who seemed to BELIEVE the victims analysis of the situation they were in, where I know these assessments were misguided as only a good counsellor/psychotherapist/psychiatrist would be able to explain the underlying cause.  Way too many social workers and justice professionals there, commenting on this topic where it should have been mental health professionals.  Was very disappointed in the academics, great at theory and analysing statistics, shit at reality and understanding statistics.

Several people I talked to became overwhelming with what I was saying, as I do and became uncomfortable with what I was saying – but knew that I was obviously an expert in my field and found it difficult to believe the shit I am getting from the police ACC and others for protesting.

Many of the agencies represented are those that have rejected me, blocked me from facebook, twitter etc.  Marama Fox was there, surprised to see me and ran like a rabbit as quick as she could.  Jacinda Adhern was there and is head of some bullshit related to this – boy is she going to get a bollocking and copy of my final report – as I know nobody from the Labour Party will see me, listen to anything I have got to say or ask any questions in the house about ACC not providing the treatment care and rehabilitation services to trauma victims they are supposed to under the Act.

I believe from Mason Jury’s work the Health and Mental Health Act would cover people traumatised by witnessing crime etc or impacted badly by things like the Christchurch earthquake.

After lunch I couldn’t stay in the room, couldn’t listen to the bullshit that I knew happened to traumatised people so I headed outside for a couple of hours and chalked poetry on the ashphalt around the lecture theatre and outside Law School cafe.

On my travels last couple of days I noted with disgust the construction going on around the city.  They’ve just finished the Ministry of Education, Ministry of Health is being completely revamped, so is Victoria Business School and the Old Govt Buildings Law School, plus I know there is a huge construction project up at Kelburn campus.  All this money and resources going into these public organisations while thousands of disabled and poor New Zealanders don’t have houses to live – a basic human right and a necessary of life that the government are required to provide to under law to disabled people (eg mentally injured traumatised people).

It is the priorities of successive governments that makes me angry, they get flash offices while citizens suffer.  Building their ivory tower higher and higher, pretty sure some poetry with that topic will show itself soon.

One speaker, a policewoman made my eyes roll, story was of Taumaranui where they had the highest rate of family violence in the country at one point.  The district commander called this senior officer into his office and said FIX IT, I don’t care what you do but come up with some ideas to fix this.  That is how they started the couples retreats.  WTF is a policeman and woman ‘coming up with ideas’ we have universities full of mental health professionals for that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Of course they are on the right track because as humans we inherently know who to care for each other.  That our cruel corrupt government choose to not allow the resources to do this properly/professionally is a gross miscarriage of justice and the worst crime of our modern time.

Spent most of lunch time crying, had to phone Richard to get through it and be able to continue with the day.  Someone suggested it was too much for me and should I be there – I just said I don’t have a choice, if I am going to change the world I have to ignore my own trauma as much as possible and listen to what those with power are saying.

At one point I talked to this woman, an exMP who say I was upset and asked what she could do.  I said give me 20 mins so we talked at afternoon tea.  She ended up getting a bollocking and being called a maggot which she wasn’t very happy about.  I asked her to take the information she had been speaking about – she was a Dr of sociology (?) was more or less saying not helping people was causing more harm, along with neo-liberal economic theories unemployment etc.  When I suggested she make a complaint to the police about violations of the crimes act by ACC she said she would be too embarrassed, they wouldn’t listen to her and really pathetic childish things like that.  So she was more concerned with her own standing than doing the right thing.

Most of the people there talked about the underlying problem being unemployment and the structure of our current society.  They talked about it but then glossed over it????  Like it was something we/they had to accept and just deal with the consequences without enough funding Grrrrr.  OF COURSE WE DO NOT, and policies that purposely create harm and death of innocent people in society are acts of terrorism under the Terrorism Suppression Act.

The final person I talked to was a woman who has just started a support group for mentally ill people, made up of people being shafted like I am.  We both were in shock at the way we were being treated and many others are being treated.  They are meeting with politicians etc and I’m going to share what I know about the law and what people are entitled to by not receiving.  She was keen on my activism and what I know about the law so hopefully I will have something to share with the group.



If you can clean you can work – NZ is a neo-liberal hell hole

I am on invalids benefit and I hate it so much I wish I was dead every day.  It causes huge psycho-social problems and ensures being marginalised due to poverty and the hatred by most in society after 30 years of propaganda against unemployed people.

The reason I can do a regular cleaning job and some random cleaning for Green Dollar people is because I know the people and if I don’t feel well I don’t go or I change the day I go.  I also trade things or time in return for what I do, I am allowed to do this, WINZ know about it, it is allowed under the law.  In a real job you have to turn up when they want you to, stay as long as they want you to and do what they want you to.  A real job supports you without welfare – as I wasn’t hurt until 37 I know what it is to work, have a job and be normal.  Maybe that’s why it is so hard to accept the nightmare I am living at the moment, thanks to ACC, mental health and a myriad of agencies that lie about the services they provide.

To have a ‘real job’ in this neo-liberal hell hole, with no support from ACC, Workbridge, WINZ or any of the other ‘support’ agencies that don’t support you, you cannot have a disability like mine and you cannot work.  You cannot have money to spend like people, family, friends, etc you know who do have jobs – which is majority of people my age.  You cannot attend cultural events, you cannot self-actualise, you are not safe where you live and you are not safe with other people, as you are easily frightened into silence.  Once you have been in this position for years you give up all hope, because time after time you attempt to recover or do something where you can earn some money you fail.  You fail over and over and over again until you give up.

You cannot go out for a drink or meal with people and you are not invited, as there couldn’t possibly be anything people with money would have in common with someone with who is destitute.

People don’t want to see what is happening to you and how you are being denied health care because you have a mental health issue.  They don’t want to admit the fact that the government shut down 80% of mental health facilities, dumped people into the community knowing and watching them harm themselves and those around them.  Houses for Intellectually handicapped people are around but the majority of people needing mental health services don’t fall into that category.  The majority are abuse victims and mentally ill people who don’t get the professional care they are entitled to by law.

Legal and mental health experts are coming out publicly saying the majority of people in prison are mentally ill and they should be in mental health facilities.  Still nothing is done – discriminating against an entire sector of disabled people is illegal, people/society are suffering and dying, we know why and every one of the human rights, disabled rights and justice agencies in New Zealand allow it to happen.

I saw yet another story about more funding and services for mentally ill, drug addicts, alcoholics etc who end up in prison – while their victims and those that don’t become violent and/or criminals are left to suffer and kill themselves.  The system is set up so you have to be driven to psychosis addiction dysfunction suicide and worse in order to get any health care – they drag you down to the pits of hell, where there is often no recovery before they ALLOW you to have the health care and support they have decided you will get.

The government, including ACC and mental health follow no health or rehabilitation models – they experiment on people.  The same people they know have tedious low paid jobs for arrogant abusive bosses, or have had seriously dysfunctional and abusive childhoods, or experienced overwhelming trauma and not had sufficient support networks to heal.

I read in a news report that Treasury are blaming ACC for yet another budget blowout, for me that means the continued refusal of ACC to provide professional services or support so I can function – more harm, more psychological torture.  But don’t we all know $9million to Saudi Arabia for a farm, $6.5million on a home for the 14th ambassador to the USA, $80million on new bank notes, $27million on a flag referendum.  $millions on pensions to people who are over 65 and still working full time, taking jobs from younger people, $millions on refurbishments and relocations of ministries, $millions on new furniture and massive increases in consultant fees, executive salaries etc.  Not to mention the gross extravagance of continuing to pay ex-politicians and their partners for travel and extensive pensions.

Can NZ really afford to pay a judge $380,000 per annum with 10 weeks holiday, then when they retire continue to pay them $4,000 a week for the rest of their lives.  They have had the opportunity to earn so much money over their lives, why do they need such lavish payments from a country that obviously cannot afford it.

Last time I heard NZ was paying $125 per second in interest on their $billions of government debt.

How simple and yet why isn’t it discussed in mainstream media to reinstate taxes to the people who are being super rich at the expense of the poorest people.  In the 1980s we were told cutting taxes to the richest people and companies from 60% to 28% and 40% to 28% would benefit our country.  It has not, it is good for the 50% richest people – who are now mainly wealthy immigrants – while NZers become poorer and poorer.

This is not my culture, this has got to stop, this is cruelty and corruption – legalised.  The more me and others say how bad it is the more vicious the rich and powerful get.  My great aunt was like this, obsessed with money beyond all else, it drove her mad and made her very unhappy.

I’m tired and I agree with Shakespeare when he said the truth is the truth beyond the end of reakoning.

I know what people are entitled to under the law, I spell it out on my solutions page.  I noticed on the news tonight an iwi from Kaitai is starting a mens refuge, providing houses for people to live in and be able to buy.  Helping people, supporting them – things the government used to do being done with treaty money in the community.  Just what neo-liberals wanted – the rich to get much richer and the rest of us to provide the health care, homes and more that mentally injured and ill people required.

I live in a sick sick country and a sick sick world.

Was watching a programme on young people going to India somewhere and experiencing jobs and life there.  The show implied they should be grateful for the things they buy from these countries, but I saw as much dysfunction there as I see here.  They had family and community around them, in New Zealand we drive people with disabilities and who are poor out, we don’t care about them.  I lie, some we do, some we lavish more and more time money and services on.  We use them to promote things and brainwash all New Zealanders into thinking all disabled people get help they are entitled to – when of course they do not.  This is particularly clear with anything to do with mental health.

The biggest problem with health in this country is the power and control of drug companies, telling, lying and manipulating government, doctors and many health professionals with promises of CHEAPER solutions to health issues.  In regard to mental health there has mostly been just abuse and worsening mental health issues, worsening violence and suicide.  We all know this and those who have the power do nothing.

I find it interesting the abuse I’m receiving by putting what is happening in my life on the internet.

Only way I can make sense of the world and what is happening to me and so many other vulnerable good people is the bible.  So many of us feel it – that judgement day is coming where all those people who are not acting with morality kindness and compassion are going to be taken away.  Let the rest of us get on with creating the peaceful planet we all crave.  And those of us that fight for truth and justice are to fight until the end, so I will and suffer every day because of it.

Kia kaha to us all

A walk to town – Carterton, Heart of the New Zealand Darklands

Things bad, little food to cope, no vehicle, television is just a reminder of the garden I don’t have, the safe stable home I don’t have, food I don’t have, partner I don’t have and normal life I don’t have, so can’t watch it and go brain dead.  So decided I have to write.


Managed to get up the courage to walk to the supermarket because car T loaned me, can’t get key to work and ‘the trusty steed’ got taken away by insurance company on Thursday.

It was partly Saffy stopping me (my old dog), hadn’t been able to walk anywhere since she died and didn’t quite know why.  As soon as I started to walk down the street I started crying about her not walking with me for first five minutes, got to the dairy and thought about stopping, getting bread and going home, but willed myself to keep moving, the supermarket is only 10 minutes walk further on – how bad could it be.  Felt like throwing up all the way, kept focusing on getting to there and sitting on the seat outside writing on the piece of paper I had bought with me – just in case I needed to write.

Got to supermarket and Ruth Carter coming out, a disabled woman who I have begged for help from many many times, all I ever get from her is that stupid smile people give who know things are bad but pretend they’re not.  There were people sitting on the seat she was going to talk to so I had to keep going into the shop.  It was market day today, I only had $7 to spend so might be able to get more than I needed.

I go into a sort of trance when I go to the supermarket now, tunnel vision, try and not look at anything but those things I am there for, if I do I start crying and want to die.  All those nice things and I am not allowed any of them, while I have to watch other people walking around.  Met someone I knew, nice woman with a family, had to pretend everything was fine, we asked about each other’s kids, did the usual pleasantries and I kept moving.  All I could do not to break down in front of her.

Picked up a tomato, capsicum and cucumber only $2.50.  Couldn’t get a lettuce, potatoes, kumara or any fruit, tried not to look at other things. Couldn’t get milk or sanitary pads, hopefully the ones I’ve got will last until Wednesday, when I get paid.

Havn’t had ham for months, needed to treat myself, so bought 100grms, was so ashamed I had to ask for so little and when she put to much in the bag had to say no I wanted less.  Fought back the tears, so humiliated, other people were waiting for things, tried not to look at them, felt like a leper.

Headed for $1 bread and butter, which are my staple diet at the moment, something that helps with my eating disorder comfort food (although I have discovered I am allergic to wheat and started having migraines because I’m eating too much of it and can’t afford wheat free bread).  When I realised I needed butter which was $3 I had to walk entire length of the supermarket to put capsicum back.

The tears were welling in my eyes, feeling so worthless that I had so little money and was having to do this.  You feel like the whole world knows what you’re doing, like there is a neon sign above your head saying poor loser.  Just as I got there two woman spoke to me, who I recognised but couldn’t remember where from.  One of them was the woman who crashed into my car before Xmas, she said hi and asked how I was, then told me who she was when I was looking puzzled.  Its weird with this disorder because you go through so many extremely traumatic experiences it wipes your memory easily, so I didn’t recognise her.  I just said oh its you, tried really hard not to burst into tears and fall sobbing on the floor, turned and walked away.

Tears started rolling down my face, put my sunglasses on so nobody would see, headed for the checkout as fast as I could, didn’t want to meet anybody else I knew, kept my head down and eyes straight ahead.  All I could think of was getting out of the shop and sitting outside on the seat to write what had happened, hoping they would be empty and nobody I knew would be there.

Got outside and wrote some of what had happened, couldn’t have walked home if I didn’t.  Didn’t stay very long as I was petrified she would come out and talk to me again, or someone else would.  How could I tell her everything that had happened with the car, insurance company, police, dog, ACC, poverty – and this on the first day I had to walk to town because I was such a loser.

Started home in tears, trying not to look around, focused on every step being a step closer to home and safety.  Got to the bus shelter and thought of sitting down and writing again so I could go on, but willed myself to keep walking, one step in front of the other, one step closer to home and safety.  One more step so I could have some lunch, as I didn’t have anything for breakfast – I’m wanting to save the eggs I have.

Saw all the cars going past, people with cars and lives, who despised me because of the neon sign above my head that said I was walking because I was a loser with no money – nobody likes losers with no money.  It was hot, had to walk slowly as I find if I get to hot and bothered it can start off a panic attack or extreme distress and rage.

Got to the dairy, went in and bought an icecream, had wanted one last night but couldn’t go out because couldn’t walk to shop, used $4 in my other account.  Wondered when the $150 from the credit on my Q Card would be returned, they had told me it would be 2 weeks ago when I had phoned to cancel it as they were taking fees and I wasn’t using it.

Thought about how I had told the dairy owner I was going to give up smoking months ago and now I had, but wished I had the money to buy some as I was feeling so bad.

Got home made up all the ham & tomato into five sandwiches, ate them all – actually more like inhaled them, you eat differently when stress levels are really bad, stuff it in your face as fast as you can – like it will be all gone if you don’t.  Will throw half of it up when I’ve finished here.  Doctor said yesterday that my croaky voice might be to do with the acid from bulimia or an allergy – told him I couldn’t afford wheat free bread, he didn’t say anything of course.

Sat in front of the TV to eat but like I said all the programmes reminded me of what I didn’t have and made me feel worse, only thing I could think to do in order to stop the psychological torture was write down what happened.

I’m really tired now, its 2.15pm, think I will go to sleep, havn’t been sleeping well, woke up early again.  At least I managed not to eat the icecream as well as sandwiches, I’ll have it when I wake up I suppose.  Then try and get the car I borrowed sorted, feeling really trapped without a car.

Oh yeah, had another nightmare last night that police were coming to get me, really bad one because I could feel someone actually touch me, went into an extreme panic thinking they were going to rape me.  Laid their frozen for several minutes before I could yell out WHO ARE YOU – just like the rape, amazing how your brain reacts.  Need to sleep, hopefully no more nightmares, wish Saffy was here to protect me 🙁  Hope one day I won’t cry every day.

Kia kaha to us all.