Category Archives: Diary

Mr Brownlee, Mr Key you are missing an opportunity here

You think I am the enemy and I am not, the things I propose in my business plan are all based on medical and scientific evidence.  We could become a world leader in healing people, we have the environment for it, although we need to practice what we preach about Pure New Zealand.

There are so many traumatised people in the world we could set up lodges and rehabilitation centres where we helped people firstly in New Zealand, then around the world to heal from violence, war and natural disasters.

We could use the arts, nature and ‘love’ dare I say it to bring people back to a peaceful society – like some countries around the world are already achieving.  We need to become civilized towards each other, use what we already know and spread this to all parts of the planet.  We need to be an example of how to run a country – that avoids any economic or social policies that bring dissension, envy and hate – which cruel capitalism and neo-liberalism has.

It is wrong in all moral and legal ways to stop people from getting this care when you are prepared to spend money in other countries, supporting other people’s ideas, on massive debt, which you choose to have by not taxing the 10% wealthiest.

I also envisage theatre and an internationally reknown arts and  music scene for people who have come here to heal and the current tourists.  To have that we need to value and support New Zealand artists of all genre, which means safe housing and enough food to eat, with means to travel and share their work.

We should not be a playground for the rich, which is what this country has become.  I find this irresponsible and inciting the very things our national anthem says we must not have.

Bessell van der Kolk says we must listen to our artists, read my poetry, hear my story.

I attended a screening of the 5 Broken Cameras about Palestine.  My story is in my poetry and songs, photos and videos- I know what is wrong and I believe we know how to fix it.  Giving a person the opportunity to be successful is still a principle of the National Party isn’t it?

You view me as left wing, what I am suggesting is not left wing it is medical science, the laws are there to provide this, they are not being adhered to in regards to abused, traumatised and mentally ill people and I demand that change!

At what point are you going to contact ACC and tell them to do what Dr Doris, Jenny Kirby, Glender Long and myself say needs to happen with regard to my rehabilitation.  That is all I have asked for, that the care I am entitled to be provided – like ACC, health, disability, criminal, human rights and bill of rights laws demand.

Also I was told nobody will see me because they are scared of the bollocking they are going to get.  You are the leaders of this country, you are supposed to deal with the most difficult issues, not censor or ignore them.  Please refer to the Milburn Experiment, it is imperative people in authority see what they are doing to our communities on a story by story basis.


Socialist talk on Capitalism – Vic Uni 2 March

Have woken up thinking about the event I went to last night, organised by International Socialists Aotearoa and the following are my thoughts.  I do not want this to be seen as a criticism of this group as I know those of us to the ‘left’ need to stick together as those to the ‘right’ do.

There was some great discussion, far better than anything we currently see on our televisions or within any of our media.  Nuts and bolts stuff, fundamental principles, not superficial bullshit – mmmm an idea, we need to get some of these discussions recorded and onto a youtube news channel.  We need other people to see what we talk about, especially those who have been radicalised against socialism, like some opposing religion to be afraid of and wiped out.

My strongest criticism is the approach of ‘the right, capitalists, etc’ being the enemy we are fighting.  Although this is understandable and I do it myself as it is easier to understand why such large numbers of people would choose an economic and political system that advances the rich and persecutes the poor.  That destroys society, creating violence, unemployment, fear, division, poverty, addiction and social dysfunction, along with destroying the planet.

We need to approach the enemy as ignorant, uneducated, immature and fearful – rather than separating ourselves from them we need to bring them around to our way of thinking.  Which will be no easy task, but it can be done, just like neo-liberals manipulate the population, so can we.

This year is Year of the Monkey time to get up to mischief, getting through to people is best done through humour from what I have seen.

Ceilia Lashlie Day, Victoria University

Was concerned about how I would go at this event, imagined myself becoming enraged about the rhetoric I’d heard dozens of times before, storming down the front of the group and giving them a bollocking about talking shit and doing nothing.

Had to hold on to my chair at one point from doing just that and walked out of the session between lunch and afternoon tea – to stop myself from doing it.

Wrote pages of notes during the morning, mostly critical of the speakers and hearing the same shit I have been listening to for over a decade since I became embroiled in the VIOLENCE INDUSTRY after I was raped.  Will do a full report and send to the speakers, funders and media involved in this event when finished.

I’m sure Ceilia would approve of me not pulling any punches and doing what I believed was my soul work to ensure abused men women and children got the care and resources they are entitled to under ACC law – so we could heal our communities and create the peaceful country we ALL desire to live in.

For  now I’ll just tell you some of what happened as a debrief.

I had to keep reminding myself that the people at this event are totally focused on people who have troubled histories and turn to crime as a result – while many of us don’t we just suffer and kill ourselves.  So the room was full of people in the system, working for the system, relying on this dysfunction for purpose and money, some were funders of a few charitable organisations and then there was me and one other woman.

I wasn’t doing too bad until I started listening to a woman academic doing a writing programme at one of the prisons and talking about her success with an inmate (there for a long time so obviously killed someone) who she was helping her get her degree in history.  Exactly the help I am supposed to be receiving from ACC to return to study, return to my life before I was hurt.  Grrrr started ticking badly, crying, rocking etc.  The people around me were nice, but I even have to manage that as I don’t want to be touched by these people who obviously know the problems but would never get off their arses and get arrested for protesting about them.

Something Ceilia said, as there was quite a bit of video of her over the years, which really annoyed me was her statement that she would not apologise for being middle class and educated, in her staunch voice.  That is what I was looking at around me, middle class educated people who mostly had not experienced the pain and dysfunction of overwhelming trauma.

NOTE: Rather than refer to these people as abused it has become even more important recently (with what is happening in ChCh) that as Bessel vanderKolk explains it is the impact of OVERWHELMING TRAUMA that causes dysfunction.  There might be slightly different impacts if it is caused by sexual abuse, violence, witnessing suicide violence etc but the ultimate result is the same. 

It was also obvious from what I heard, it is the unconditional care we give after overwhelming trauma that is the difference between recovery and continuing dysfunction.

I talked to a few people about what was happening to me and my repeated arrests etc for protesting about the lack of professional health care for traumatised people, particularly abuse victims who were entitled to ACC treatment care and rehabilitation.

There were several speakers talking about some really good things happening with retreats run for couples in violent relationships etc.  However they had totally discounted getting the government to do anything and were searching for private donations – which of course is exactly what neo-liberals want.  Those things that were discussed, were all being run in prisons and mostly through police, so only available at the bottom of the cliff.

There were some extremely naive comments that had me making comments that only those around me could hear – I really tried not to.  One of them was, the best thing you can do for someone is just listen – GRRRRRR WHAT A LOAD OF SHIT!  Listening to someone in a serious situation then walking away is BULLSHIT.

There was a lot of comment from people working with dysfunctional trauma victims who seemed to BELIEVE the victims analysis of the situation they were in, where I know these assessments were misguided as only a good counsellor/psychotherapist/psychiatrist would be able to explain the underlying cause.  Way too many social workers and justice professionals there, commenting on this topic where it should have been mental health professionals.  Was very disappointed in the academics, great at theory and analysing statistics, shit at reality and understanding statistics.

Several people I talked to became overwhelming with what I was saying, as I do and became uncomfortable with what I was saying – but knew that I was obviously an expert in my field and found it difficult to believe the shit I am getting from the police ACC and others for protesting.

Many of the agencies represented are those that have rejected me, blocked me from facebook, twitter etc.  Marama Fox was there, surprised to see me and ran like a rabbit as quick as she could.  Jacinda Adhern was there and is head of some bullshit related to this – boy is she going to get a bollocking and copy of my final report – as I know nobody from the Labour Party will see me, listen to anything I have got to say or ask any questions in the house about ACC not providing the treatment care and rehabilitation services to trauma victims they are supposed to under the Act.

I believe from Mason Jury’s work the Health and Mental Health Act would cover people traumatised by witnessing crime etc or impacted badly by things like the Christchurch earthquake.

After lunch I couldn’t stay in the room, couldn’t listen to the bullshit that I knew happened to traumatised people so I headed outside for a couple of hours and chalked poetry on the ashphalt around the lecture theatre and outside Law School cafe.

On my travels last couple of days I noted with disgust the construction going on around the city.  They’ve just finished the Ministry of Education, Ministry of Health is being completely revamped, so is Victoria Business School and the Old Govt Buildings Law School, plus I know there is a huge construction project up at Kelburn campus.  All this money and resources going into these public organisations while thousands of disabled and poor New Zealanders don’t have houses to live – a basic human right and a necessary of life that the government are required to provide to under law to disabled people (eg mentally injured traumatised people).

It is the priorities of successive governments that makes me angry, they get flash offices while citizens suffer.  Building their ivory tower higher and higher, pretty sure some poetry with that topic will show itself soon.

One speaker, a policewoman made my eyes roll, story was of Taumaranui where they had the highest rate of family violence in the country at one point.  The district commander called this senior officer into his office and said FIX IT, I don’t care what you do but come up with some ideas to fix this.  That is how they started the couples retreats.  WTF is a policeman and woman ‘coming up with ideas’ we have universities full of mental health professionals for that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Of course they are on the right track because as humans we inherently know who to care for each other.  That our cruel corrupt government choose to not allow the resources to do this properly/professionally is a gross miscarriage of justice and the worst crime of our modern time.

Spent most of lunch time crying, had to phone Richard to get through it and be able to continue with the day.  Someone suggested it was too much for me and should I be there – I just said I don’t have a choice, if I am going to change the world I have to ignore my own trauma as much as possible and listen to what those with power are saying.

At one point I talked to this woman, an exMP who say I was upset and asked what she could do.  I said give me 20 mins so we talked at afternoon tea.  She ended up getting a bollocking and being called a maggot which she wasn’t very happy about.  I asked her to take the information she had been speaking about – she was a Dr of sociology (?) was more or less saying not helping people was causing more harm, along with neo-liberal economic theories unemployment etc.  When I suggested she make a complaint to the police about violations of the crimes act by ACC she said she would be too embarrassed, they wouldn’t listen to her and really pathetic childish things like that.  So she was more concerned with her own standing than doing the right thing.

Most of the people there talked about the underlying problem being unemployment and the structure of our current society.  They talked about it but then glossed over it????  Like it was something we/they had to accept and just deal with the consequences without enough funding Grrrrr.  OF COURSE WE DO NOT, and policies that purposely create harm and death of innocent people in society are acts of terrorism under the Terrorism Suppression Act.

The final person I talked to was a woman who has just started a support group for mentally ill people, made up of people being shafted like I am.  We both were in shock at the way we were being treated and many others are being treated.  They are meeting with politicians etc and I’m going to share what I know about the law and what people are entitled to by not receiving.  She was keen on my activism and what I know about the law so hopefully I will have something to share with the group.



If you can clean you can work – NZ is a neo-liberal hell hole

I am on invalids benefit and I hate it so much I wish I was dead every day.  It causes huge psycho-social problems and ensures being marginalised due to poverty and the hatred by most in society after 30 years of propaganda against unemployed people.

The reason I can do a regular cleaning job and some random cleaning for Green Dollar people is because I know the people and if I don’t feel well I don’t go or I change the day I go.  I also trade things or time in return for what I do, I am allowed to do this, WINZ know about it, it is allowed under the law.  In a real job you have to turn up when they want you to, stay as long as they want you to and do what they want you to.  A real job supports you without welfare – as I wasn’t hurt until 37 I know what it is to work, have a job and be normal.  Maybe that’s why it is so hard to accept the nightmare I am living at the moment, thanks to ACC, mental health and a myriad of agencies that lie about the services they provide.

To have a ‘real job’ in this neo-liberal hell hole, with no support from ACC, Workbridge, WINZ or any of the other ‘support’ agencies that don’t support you, you cannot have a disability like mine and you cannot work.  You cannot have money to spend like people, family, friends, etc you know who do have jobs – which is majority of people my age.  You cannot attend cultural events, you cannot self-actualise, you are not safe where you live and you are not safe with other people, as you are easily frightened into silence.  Once you have been in this position for years you give up all hope, because time after time you attempt to recover or do something where you can earn some money you fail.  You fail over and over and over again until you give up.

You cannot go out for a drink or meal with people and you are not invited, as there couldn’t possibly be anything people with money would have in common with someone with who is destitute.

People don’t want to see what is happening to you and how you are being denied health care because you have a mental health issue.  They don’t want to admit the fact that the government shut down 80% of mental health facilities, dumped people into the community knowing and watching them harm themselves and those around them.  Houses for Intellectually handicapped people are around but the majority of people needing mental health services don’t fall into that category.  The majority are abuse victims and mentally ill people who don’t get the professional care they are entitled to by law.

Legal and mental health experts are coming out publicly saying the majority of people in prison are mentally ill and they should be in mental health facilities.  Still nothing is done – discriminating against an entire sector of disabled people is illegal, people/society are suffering and dying, we know why and every one of the human rights, disabled rights and justice agencies in New Zealand allow it to happen.

I saw yet another story about more funding and services for mentally ill, drug addicts, alcoholics etc who end up in prison – while their victims and those that don’t become violent and/or criminals are left to suffer and kill themselves.  The system is set up so you have to be driven to psychosis addiction dysfunction suicide and worse in order to get any health care – they drag you down to the pits of hell, where there is often no recovery before they ALLOW you to have the health care and support they have decided you will get.

The government, including ACC and mental health follow no health or rehabilitation models – they experiment on people.  The same people they know have tedious low paid jobs for arrogant abusive bosses, or have had seriously dysfunctional and abusive childhoods, or experienced overwhelming trauma and not had sufficient support networks to heal.

I read in a news report that Treasury are blaming ACC for yet another budget blowout, for me that means the continued refusal of ACC to provide professional services or support so I can function – more harm, more psychological torture.  But don’t we all know $9million to Saudi Arabia for a farm, $6.5million on a home for the 14th ambassador to the USA, $80million on new bank notes, $27million on a flag referendum.  $millions on pensions to people who are over 65 and still working full time, taking jobs from younger people, $millions on refurbishments and relocations of ministries, $millions on new furniture and massive increases in consultant fees, executive salaries etc.  Not to mention the gross extravagance of continuing to pay ex-politicians and their partners for travel and extensive pensions.

Can NZ really afford to pay a judge $380,000 per annum with 10 weeks holiday, then when they retire continue to pay them $4,000 a week for the rest of their lives.  They have had the opportunity to earn so much money over their lives, why do they need such lavish payments from a country that obviously cannot afford it.

Last time I heard NZ was paying $125 per second in interest on their $billions of government debt.

How simple and yet why isn’t it discussed in mainstream media to reinstate taxes to the people who are being super rich at the expense of the poorest people.  In the 1980s we were told cutting taxes to the richest people and companies from 60% to 28% and 40% to 28% would benefit our country.  It has not, it is good for the 50% richest people – who are now mainly wealthy immigrants – while NZers become poorer and poorer.

This is not my culture, this has got to stop, this is cruelty and corruption – legalised.  The more me and others say how bad it is the more vicious the rich and powerful get.  My great aunt was like this, obsessed with money beyond all else, it drove her mad and made her very unhappy.

I’m tired and I agree with Shakespeare when he said the truth is the truth beyond the end of reakoning.

I know what people are entitled to under the law, I spell it out on my solutions page.  I noticed on the news tonight an iwi from Kaitai is starting a mens refuge, providing houses for people to live in and be able to buy.  Helping people, supporting them – things the government used to do being done with treaty money in the community.  Just what neo-liberals wanted – the rich to get much richer and the rest of us to provide the health care, homes and more that mentally injured and ill people required.

I live in a sick sick country and a sick sick world.

Was watching a programme on young people going to India somewhere and experiencing jobs and life there.  The show implied they should be grateful for the things they buy from these countries, but I saw as much dysfunction there as I see here.  They had family and community around them, in New Zealand we drive people with disabilities and who are poor out, we don’t care about them.  I lie, some we do, some we lavish more and more time money and services on.  We use them to promote things and brainwash all New Zealanders into thinking all disabled people get help they are entitled to – when of course they do not.  This is particularly clear with anything to do with mental health.

The biggest problem with health in this country is the power and control of drug companies, telling, lying and manipulating government, doctors and many health professionals with promises of CHEAPER solutions to health issues.  In regard to mental health there has mostly been just abuse and worsening mental health issues, worsening violence and suicide.  We all know this and those who have the power do nothing.

I find it interesting the abuse I’m receiving by putting what is happening in my life on the internet.

Only way I can make sense of the world and what is happening to me and so many other vulnerable good people is the bible.  So many of us feel it – that judgement day is coming where all those people who are not acting with morality kindness and compassion are going to be taken away.  Let the rest of us get on with creating the peaceful planet we all crave.  And those of us that fight for truth and justice are to fight until the end, so I will and suffer every day because of it.

Kia kaha to us all

A walk to town – Carterton, Heart of the New Zealand Darklands

Things bad, little food to cope, no vehicle, television is just a reminder of the garden I don’t have, the safe stable home I don’t have, food I don’t have, partner I don’t have and normal life I don’t have, so can’t watch it and go brain dead.  So decided I have to write.


Managed to get up the courage to walk to the supermarket because car T loaned me, can’t get key to work and ‘the trusty steed’ got taken away by insurance company on Thursday.

It was partly Saffy stopping me (my old dog), hadn’t been able to walk anywhere since she died and didn’t quite know why.  As soon as I started to walk down the street I started crying about her not walking with me for first five minutes, got to the dairy and thought about stopping, getting bread and going home, but willed myself to keep moving, the supermarket is only 10 minutes walk further on – how bad could it be.  Felt like throwing up all the way, kept focusing on getting to there and sitting on the seat outside writing on the piece of paper I had bought with me – just in case I needed to write.

Got to supermarket and Ruth Carter coming out, a disabled woman who I have begged for help from many many times, all I ever get from her is that stupid smile people give who know things are bad but pretend they’re not.  There were people sitting on the seat she was going to talk to so I had to keep going into the shop.  It was market day today, I only had $7 to spend so might be able to get more than I needed.

I go into a sort of trance when I go to the supermarket now, tunnel vision, try and not look at anything but those things I am there for, if I do I start crying and want to die.  All those nice things and I am not allowed any of them, while I have to watch other people walking around.  Met someone I knew, nice woman with a family, had to pretend everything was fine, we asked about each other’s kids, did the usual pleasantries and I kept moving.  All I could do not to break down in front of her.

Picked up a tomato, capsicum and cucumber only $2.50.  Couldn’t get a lettuce, potatoes, kumara or any fruit, tried not to look at other things. Couldn’t get milk or sanitary pads, hopefully the ones I’ve got will last until Wednesday, when I get paid.

Havn’t had ham for months, needed to treat myself, so bought 100grms, was so ashamed I had to ask for so little and when she put to much in the bag had to say no I wanted less.  Fought back the tears, so humiliated, other people were waiting for things, tried not to look at them, felt like a leper.

Headed for $1 bread and butter, which are my staple diet at the moment, something that helps with my eating disorder comfort food (although I have discovered I am allergic to wheat and started having migraines because I’m eating too much of it and can’t afford wheat free bread).  When I realised I needed butter which was $3 I had to walk entire length of the supermarket to put capsicum back.

The tears were welling in my eyes, feeling so worthless that I had so little money and was having to do this.  You feel like the whole world knows what you’re doing, like there is a neon sign above your head saying poor loser.  Just as I got there two woman spoke to me, who I recognised but couldn’t remember where from.  One of them was the woman who crashed into my car before Xmas, she said hi and asked how I was, then told me who she was when I was looking puzzled.  Its weird with this disorder because you go through so many extremely traumatic experiences it wipes your memory easily, so I didn’t recognise her.  I just said oh its you, tried really hard not to burst into tears and fall sobbing on the floor, turned and walked away.

Tears started rolling down my face, put my sunglasses on so nobody would see, headed for the checkout as fast as I could, didn’t want to meet anybody else I knew, kept my head down and eyes straight ahead.  All I could think of was getting out of the shop and sitting outside on the seat to write what had happened, hoping they would be empty and nobody I knew would be there.

Got outside and wrote some of what had happened, couldn’t have walked home if I didn’t.  Didn’t stay very long as I was petrified she would come out and talk to me again, or someone else would.  How could I tell her everything that had happened with the car, insurance company, police, dog, ACC, poverty – and this on the first day I had to walk to town because I was such a loser.

Started home in tears, trying not to look around, focused on every step being a step closer to home and safety.  Got to the bus shelter and thought of sitting down and writing again so I could go on, but willed myself to keep walking, one step in front of the other, one step closer to home and safety.  One more step so I could have some lunch, as I didn’t have anything for breakfast – I’m wanting to save the eggs I have.

Saw all the cars going past, people with cars and lives, who despised me because of the neon sign above my head that said I was walking because I was a loser with no money – nobody likes losers with no money.  It was hot, had to walk slowly as I find if I get to hot and bothered it can start off a panic attack or extreme distress and rage.

Got to the dairy, went in and bought an icecream, had wanted one last night but couldn’t go out because couldn’t walk to shop, used $4 in my other account.  Wondered when the $150 from the credit on my Q Card would be returned, they had told me it would be 2 weeks ago when I had phoned to cancel it as they were taking fees and I wasn’t using it.

Thought about how I had told the dairy owner I was going to give up smoking months ago and now I had, but wished I had the money to buy some as I was feeling so bad.

Got home made up all the ham & tomato into five sandwiches, ate them all – actually more like inhaled them, you eat differently when stress levels are really bad, stuff it in your face as fast as you can – like it will be all gone if you don’t.  Will throw half of it up when I’ve finished here.  Doctor said yesterday that my croaky voice might be to do with the acid from bulimia or an allergy – told him I couldn’t afford wheat free bread, he didn’t say anything of course.

Sat in front of the TV to eat but like I said all the programmes reminded me of what I didn’t have and made me feel worse, only thing I could think to do in order to stop the psychological torture was write down what happened.

I’m really tired now, its 2.15pm, think I will go to sleep, havn’t been sleeping well, woke up early again.  At least I managed not to eat the icecream as well as sandwiches, I’ll have it when I wake up I suppose.  Then try and get the car I borrowed sorted, feeling really trapped without a car.

Oh yeah, had another nightmare last night that police were coming to get me, really bad one because I could feel someone actually touch me, went into an extreme panic thinking they were going to rape me.  Laid their frozen for several minutes before I could yell out WHO ARE YOU – just like the rape, amazing how your brain reacts.  Need to sleep, hopefully no more nightmares, wish Saffy was here to protect me :-(   Hope one day I won’t cry every day.

Kia kaha to us all.

Wairarapa Criminal lawyer & doctors offensive ignorant & discriminate


So new Criminal lawyer last week refuses to meet with me prior to court to discuss my case in a less stressful environment.  I tell him its important and also I don’t want to attend court because to unwell at the moment, he says I have to, still refuses to meet with me.  I ask that he has my case heard first if he can, he said I’ll have to be there at 9am.

I arrive at court 9am, stressed to the max and really pissed off, don’t know what lawyer looks like, so stressing about that, I am anxious around people I don’t know.  It gets to 15 mins past nine, people are being called up, stress levels go even higher.  He finally turns up in a flap, doesn’t take me into the room with his name on the whiteboard, he sits me down in the main corridor of the court, which is full of people – busy weekend in Masterton.  Where he proceeds to tell me he has listened to the phone recordings and after he has thought about it, I should tell them I’m not fit to plea – WTF.  So I start giving him shit for even suggesting it, what an insult – might have been helpful to actually talk to me prior to the court appearance – would be pretty obvious I’m way more bloody intelligent than him!

Going to make a complaint to Law Society or Legal Services Agency – I’m sick of this shit, it is the law they must accommodate my disability.


Then I was thinking of that horror of a doctor and the email she wrote with the sarcastic shit about the EXTENSIVE psychiatric reports – WTF.  I have had 6 psychiatric reports in 14 years, only the first two of them were ever listened to – the first one which said I had a personality disorder and all the ACC care I had been receiving should be stopped after I had been receiving care for 2 years (done by Anne Walsh psychiatrist associated with attempted murder of her lovers wife in Dunedin – total fruit cake).  The second one was Alan Doris’ first report (snr NZ psychiatrist associated with Mason Jury) where I got the extensive professional rehabilitation plan in 2009, which ACC illegally removed without consulting him and have refused to reinstate or act on his other reports.  Two were done for the court last year, which just referred to my ability to plea, one done by Justin Barry-Walshe says I am intelligent, do not have a personality disorder and am not delusional – unlike most of the health and justice people I have to deal with.

She also accused me of threatening to commit suicide WHICH I HAVE NEVER EVER DONE, I say I wish I was dead and am getting suicidal thoughts – but I NEVER EVER SAY I AM GOING TO KILL MYSELF.  Its called suicidal ideology and is very dangerous. This insane ignorance and bigotry towards people whose living environments are so inhuman that it causes them to become suicidal is extremely disturbed thinking.  Its a result of guilt that there are no services and lives/environment of poorest and most vulnerable people in this country is now so bad its driving people mad – while the doctor has it good with money, prestige and a job.


This is how it went with new doctor, not as aggressive – more ignorance and brainwashed thinking.

(NOTE: Wish local mayor had sorted out food bank stuff like he said.)

So ditched previous doctor and went to new one in Carterton, was really screwed up when there, always lose it going into doctor’s offices (baggage from some really bad experiences), was so traumatised could barely speak and couldn’t fill out forms, receptionist had to help me.  Got in there asked him to check out a couple of things I was really worried about, he said it was fine.  Was ticking, shaking, fingers in ears stuff and speaking very slowly, hard to get words out (FUCK I HATE IT WHEN THIS HAPPENS, FEEL LIKE A COMPLETE NUT).  Told him I was under huge stress with poverty and ACC denying me care but couldn’t go into mental health stuff with him to traumatising.  Oh yeah and another new doctor that was sitting in on consultation to learn the ropes – didn’t ask if he could, just told me.

Told him I was bulimic (not all bulimics are thin) and my weight has ballooned lately, probably fattest I’ve ever been which makes me feel like shit.  Can’t do much, freeze response bad and eating continuously most days which of course is the reason.  Because I’m fat he gave me a piece of paper about how to eat healthy and exercise, I just looked at him in disbelief said.  “I have an eating disorder and am really unwell there is no point in giving me this. I have little control over what I eat or what I do.”  He started to insist, I had to say no to him twice more.  Not sure what the other doctor made of it.

I am assuming this is part of the government plan to get people to lose weight – give them a piece of paper telling them what to do.  Apparently we’re all just stupid and don’t know how to eat healthy and exercise regularly.  Just because I have a stress disorder – thanks to the government – doesn’t mean I’m stupid.  GPs are so ignorant, all good with people who are not very unwell, but useless with people who are and people like me.

When I left his office, almost ran out, went to reception, lots of people in the waiting room and went to pay $38 – all my food money for the week – scary shit.  Could not bring myself to beg not to pay in front of everybody, even though I know this medical centre has a fund to cover poor people’s medical expenses.  Doctor knew I was broke, he still charged me $38.  I live in a sick ignorant community.

To anybody being persecuted, abused, degraded, discredited, ignored and screwed over by lawyers, ACC, health professionals and others, ITS NOT YOU – ITS THEM.

Kia kaha to us all.

Wairarapa – Heart of the Darklands

Featherston is indeed where those on the violent fringes of society go to live.  It has a high number of sex offenders living in the community in private rental housing.  Many not allowed to live in city regions due to sexual or violent abuse.  This is where the marginalised congregate, along with middle and ruling class New Zealanders.

This is where services get removed because of funding constraints mostly.  Smaller DHBs and police districts have smaller budgets and it would seem some of the most challenging citizens.

I have listened to all the bullshit about violence, drug addiction, etc but I don’t see the professional co-ordinated attempt to provide a nurturing safe environment to people so they can heal and be good citizens – especially some of the most deprived.  Where is the treatment care and rehabilitation ACC are supposed to be providing people – where is the Whare Tapa Wha (Four sided house).  That is what I fight for, social rehabilitation and a safe environment, plus access to an organisation like Mental Injury Services (on my solutions page).

ACC are spending their massive reserves investing in foreign countries and people, they should be investing in some of their own talented citizens, their own disabled citizens - instead of finding every way they can to get out of providing me and many others the empowering environment we are entitled to by law.

When you tell leaders some of the situations you face they can’t accept it, shoot the messenger, blame you for it, rather than your situation.  A situation created by 30 yrs advancement of rich and persecution of poor, time to stop and re-evaluate where inequality, neglect and injustice has taken us.

Have been trying for years to get in front of just one of them singing and reciting poetry for an hour, everybody refuses.  This is an extremely ignorant way of dealing with poor disabled people suffering under neo-liberal political theories speaking out about the harm they are experiencing.  I refer to the Milburn Experiment where people were proven to be able to exert fatal electric shocks when prompted by a person in authority, in a  white coat.  Though they only heard the person, didn’t see them, people find it far more difficult to persecute people if they see the consequences of their actions.  Our current system has removed the decision makers from the dire consequences of their actions and minority groups in society suffer, especially the poor and disabled.

Time to stop talking, take professional right action and more resources from the government, if anybody truly gives a shit about social issues in our communities.  Neo-liberals created this dysfunction and they need to fix it, communities are the victims.  They don’t mind taking the spoils of radicalised capitalism but refuse to take responsibility for the harm it causes in society – well documented harm.

The way we treat the most vulnerable in society now is appauling, abusive and criminally negligent.  It violates ACC, health, criminal, disabled, human rights and bill of rights laws – all lawyers do is make money out of taking ACC to court, refusal to accept the level of corruption and persecution ACC staff had been encouraged to inflict.

Wouldn’t you think local media would be interested in my story of protests regarding health care issues for abuse victims – how I am being dragged through court all the time for legal protests.  Have won several court cases for wilful trespass and lost a couple as well.  Might be interested in what I learnt about stress disorders and what people are entitled to under the law.

2 years of complaints to police about ACC causing me harm under Sctions 150A 151 and 157 of the Crimes Act have been ignored.  Yet recently ACC made a complaint to police about the way I have been begging for them to reinstate my care and I was dragged into court, when ACC know how stressed I am.  Same officer who violently arrested me Xmas Eve 2 yrs ago – an ignorant bigot.

My legal argument is I Common Right be done to all rich as poor, if ACC don’t have to follow the law, then neither do I.  Judge wouldn’t hear my argument in District Court, so I’m going to appeal it, plus on some other grounds.

This keeps me busy but would rather be working.


The Wright Family Foundation of ignorant bigoted rich pigs!

As I am currently blocked from facebook by a sicko who insulted me because I was a poor disabled rape victim I am taking to my other social media.  Nothing else to do – I don’t work and fighting ACC, mental health, WINZ etc for the care and support I am supposed to have under the law every day for years makes you highly suicidal.  Being persecuted for years and abused for your disability to the point you are suicidal and severely dysfunctional isn’t a sign that I am faulty or mentally ill, it is a sign vulnerable poor people in New Zealand are living in inhuman living conditions after 30 years of advancement of rich and austerity against poor.

Am so isolated at the moment I have started watching TV occasionally for company, but it just shows how rich and working people live, there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING on there that validates my existence.  In fact everything on there, especially advertising and shows about food, house buying and the gross extravagance of antiques etc makes you feel even worse.  Its why most poor people don’t watch TV and have a huge library of movies I am sure.

Today I’m angry about The Wright Family Foundation series of advertisements about families and family strength.  I find them extremely ignorant and further degrading of the poorest people in this hell hole country.  I will continue to make formal complaints about them just so people know they have no relevance whatsoever to poor people.

The one this morning was a man taking his son to the beach to fish.  This man is in a wheelchair which is obviously some attack on disabled people, saying they can be good parents too – YEAH RIGHT.  This man also lived in his own home from the images I saw, it was a nice place, not a revolting small rental (state house or private).  He must have owned a car with capability to get him to the beach to fish.  He had fishing equipment and obviously no mental health issues from what we saw.

Poor people don’t have cars and if they do they are almost always out of registration or warrant, trying to keep your car going costs money that you can’t spend on doing things with your children.  Ask the police why they don’t pull cars over on Xmas day for no rego or warrant?  That’s because poor people use them to get to friends and family and nobody wants to stop that one day a year.  Every other day they live in fear that police will catch them with no warrant or rego and take even more money off them.

Poor people don’t have fishing rods, benefits don’t allow for that, they don’t allow for cars either.  Try living without a car and see how much fear you have, how do you get your children anywhere in an emergency.  I remember not having enough petrol in my car and being very fearful when my girls were teenagers that I wouldn’t be able to pick them up in an emergency if they were out with friends.

Obviously the Wright Foundation wanted to bring disabled people into this and prove they get help, but disabilities aren’t just physical and people like me with life-threatening stress disorders are also disabled.  It is people with mental health issues from either injury (abuse or trauma) or illness that are the most despised, degraded and persecuted in this neo-liberal shit hole.  When you have suffered abuse you don’t want to go out and be around people, people are dangerous and rape you or beat you up – the others who don’t do that hate and despise you for being frightened and poor.  That’s why suicide attempts have increased by 100% in Christchurch since the earthquake.

Also these people who take their kids fishing have obviously been fishing themselves – what if the parent has never been taken fishing themselves and doesn’t know what to do?  Also what about all those abused and poor women parenting alone, what are they supposed to do?  What they do is take their kids for a walk maybe and watch other people fishing with their kids – knowing they can never do that, which makes people feel ostracized and marginalised yet again.

Then there was another Wright Family advert that talked about your kids being happy.  My kids aren’t happy, not because of me but because they have low paid jobs and are being taken advantage of by their scummy employers.  One is forced to work over 50 hours a week for $1 above minimum wage for a café chain, she pays $230 per week in rent (the flat is $460 per week).  She met up with relatives who live on the Gold Coast recently who told her for what she was doing she would get at least $21 per hour in Aussie and her rent would be no more than $120 a week for a really nice place.  So why would she stay in this shit hole.

She did a six month course at Weltech after she left school but couldn’t afford to keep going or run up the massive debt for something she wasn’t even sure would have a job at the end of it – so she quit.  She is intelligent and should be at university but there is no way she can do that as her parents are both poor and can’t afford to support her.  She currently flats with a girl who has wealthy parents and gets propped up by them so she can get her degree.

The other girl is in a job she hates and is too much physically for her, her boss is an evil degrading maggot and doesn’t like her because she refuses to suck up to her.  She has to flat in the city for a week to go to work and the other week stays with her boyfriend 1 1/2 hours away.  She wants to move to the Wairarapa where her boyfriend lives but there are no jobs here, she has applied for several but foreigners with more experience get the jobs she applies for – she knows this because she asks the places she applies to why she didn’t get the job.  Some of the jobs she has applied for and got through to the final group for she has cried and become depressed because she hasn’t got them and is forced to continue with the hell life she is living.

They are both paying of student loans – prior to neo-liberal terrorists taking over New Zealand and taxes to the rich being cut by 30% education was free, now they pay interest on the loans and there is less guarantee of a job than there ever has been.  This puts massive amounts of stress on both my children, stress they don’t deserve and is created by rich and middle class bigots like The Wright Foundation and whoever they have putting on these disgusting advertisements.

So angry, so screwed up, so angry, so disgusted, so ashamed, so angry.

Just discovered The Wright Family Foundation childcentres advertise on the right wing extremist blog of Farrar – Kiwiblog.  What does that tell you.  These people are truly disturbed.

Letter to local police asking them to STOP WELFARE CHECKS

Thought I’d start posting some of the letters I write, might give people some ideas about what they can do if going through the same thing.

20 November 2015

 TO:      Wairarapa Police

 I really really need you to stop coming to my house when someone from a justice, health or political organisation phones you.  It is a waste of your time and it hurts me, makes me feel even more worthless and ashamed.  I am allowed to say I wish I was dead, just not allowed to say I am going to kill myself and I never ever have.


In the recent decision by Judge Tuhoy he says police were unreasonable in acting on the wilful trespass notice unreasonably given to me by Wairarapa DHB.  Please can we look at these phone calls in the same way – that these organisations phoning you are being unreasonable and you don’t have to act on it.  Part of what I do to stop the discrimination of thousands of disabled mentally injured and ill people is I am honest about how I feel and what is happening to me.  That includes self-harming and the continuous hell of being suicidal after years of discrimination, degradation and neglect by ACC, etc.


Suicidal thoughts I have never acted on over the past 10 years – it is a living nightmare but if someone like me doesn’t keep challenging what is going on for suicidal people then nothing is going to change and more people are going to needlessly suffer, hurt others and die. 


The self-harm is relatively new, thank ACC, mental health, poverty and my living situation for that.  What I do won’t end my life, or cause me permanent damage, I hate telling you this – what I currently do is use rubber bands on my wrists which I flick, I stab myself with pens/pencils until it hurts, not so it draws blood and hit myself as hard as I can around my head where it can’t be seen under my hair and around my body.  By doing this I can let off enough emotional pain so the suicidal thoughts don’t become overwhelming and I act on them.  My psychiatrist, counsellor and doctor, as well as ACC, politicians and several mental health/justice organisations know this is happening, so do the many people I talk and write to (that phone you), doesn’t get me the care I need and am entitled to of course.  If they are not concerned then why are police?


While talking to several people yesterday the words Duty of Care came up and how would my family feel if police didn’t respond and I killed myself – I’m really unwell, how other people feel is completely IRRELEVANT when you have Compounding Complex PTSD.  Please note the compounding bit – so every trauma adds to the next because you have way more serious unresolved underlying traumas.  Also people who kill themselves are free and don’t have to suffer anymore, it is a relief to the person who has done it – its only those left behind that get angry, mostly out of guilt.  And of course it’s a recognised sign of a dysfunctional society, which we can thank the last 30 yrs of neo-liberal governments for.


This letter exonerates police from any responsibility if I do kill myself.  I know from years of research, study and experience that police are USED by government to ‘control and manipulate’ people with mental health issues.  This letter is to confirm it is neo-liberal politicians, ACC, mental health services and other justice and government agencies that have driven me mad with medical neglect, not the police (although you havn’t made things easy on occasion and I wish with all my heart you would take my complaints under Sections 150A 151 and 157 of the Crimes Act seriously).


This is NOT a suicide note, this is me just being frank and honest and trying to make things easier for ME – trying to manage impairments related to my disorder.  If you truly do care (which I know some of you do) then don’t come, my neighbours see you here and I am ostracized even more, it makes ME feel worse.  Also now you are being nice it is even harder, I do not want your pity – which is why its best that we don’t interact – there are bad people you should be dealing with – NOT ME.


Blaming police for people committing suicide due to unprofessional abusive inadequate mental health care is one of the most bizarre (immoral/cruel/corrupt) reactions to suicide I have witnessed. I hope this letter helps police understand and fingers crossed stops you from acting on these calls from people who say they are concerned for my welfare – when THEY ARE NOT.


Working on a report/complaint to the UN at the moment, will send you a copy when I’m finished, will be sending lots of people/organisations copies, especially those who phone police – I’m sure you will find it interesting.  Please put this letter on my file, thank you.


Kia kaha to us all



 Civil Society Actor

Persecuted Whistleblower

Human sewage living in the darklands


NO RESPECT – Poem dedicated to Ombudsman & NZ Police

Police have really got to stop all this shit
The visits, feigned concern, discrimination - ALL OF IT!

All reports I have read say they’re supposed to protect
But for my welfare, my dignity, my peace – NO RESPECT!

The Ombudsman doesn’t want to hear what I see
So sends round the police to SCARE THE HELL OUT OF ME!



Wrote this in response to a visit from police at 11pm last night for a welfare check, thanks to the Ombudsman and a 7 hour delay by Police Communications to allocate the job – someone in Masterton doesn’t like me.  Not surprised, I’ve pissed a lot of them off, they don’t like people who stand up to them and their stupid degrading rules.

Have made a complaint to IPCA and contacted my psychiatrist to get some advice (so he’s on my side).  Spent all morning trying to sort things out, still freaking out about what happened.