Category Archives: Diary

Day of Activism in Wellington, New Zealand

Had an interesting day chalking poetry, attending question time, singing under Seddon and catching up with other activist friends.

Got to Wellington about 12.30pm started chalking comments about John Key, so can be seen from Bowen House and Beehive.  Photos up on twitter @jrmurphypoetry  Also called Judiciary corrupt over mental health care and bought up how much more money banks are making in interest since John Key became PM.

Then went and chalked two poems directly outside Supreme Court on Lambton Quay, good writing surface on large paving, different to footpath.  Had around 6 people stop and say how good my poetry was and good to see this sort of culture and art on the street.  Going to write to the council again and complain about them taking it off and that I have to pay for parking when in the city.

Met up with two friends and attended question time, we had to wait because gallery pretty full after Key’s resignation – several school groups.  I sat and watched govt first but got really upset watching John Key lie about the good he had done, especially for vulnerable people.  Had to leave the gallery crying, security staff up there are really nice to me, went over to other side of house so I didn’t have to look at his face and the other National MPs lying.  Especially about housing and health services.

Always need to have a debrief after watching question time, it is so infuriating – or have a sing and rant about how pissed off I am by what I just saw.  Also recited some poetry – Wasps In The Beehive.

There was a 1080 protest at parliament, would have participated but you can’t before you go into the house – its a rule, you’re banned for 24 hours.

Afterwards talked with friends, hoping to get my FILL THE GALLERY idea out into the Wellington community, focused on election year, disabled/students etc – representing all those people struggling and not happy with current policies.  Said how they were representative of people all over New Zealand that couldn’t make it to Parliament – lets send our polticians a message in election year that we’re going to be watching them and demand they represent and protect us as they are supposed to in a civil society.

Came home and uploaded photos to twitter – don’t know why I didn’t do a video – will next time.

Kia kaha and Aroha to us all.

Dear Diary – Sadly New Zealand Children’s Commissioner Judge Beacroft Corrupt

Woke up this morning with something on my mind and felt I needed to write it in another Diary note.

On Friday I did a protest outside SUPERU (once called Families Commission but govt changed name – George Orwell would be impressed with number of times NZ govt does this) which is on same floor as Children’s Commissioner – 7th floor 110 Featherston Street, Wellington.  Check out my youtube channel for video

I did expect to have police called as I know they’re scared of me there for telling the truth about how corrupt and abusive ACC, mental health, CYFS, Human Rights Commission, Ombudsman, police, etc are.  Instead I talked with a couple of people at length about how bad the situation is for mentally injured abuse victims and their families – seems they all understand it is ignorant miserly corrupt politicians creating most of this violence – but there is nothing they can do.

While sitting outside the lifts – as nobody has a reception area any longer because the government want these agencies to be away from any public scrutiny or challenge – they sit behind security doors instead I saw many people coming and going, one of them the Children’s Commissioner.

so Mr Beacroft had to stand waiting for the lift, seeing my painting about how badly me and other abuse victims are being treated.  I recognised him from news reports, which I know he was hoping I wouldn’t – his body language said it all.  So I challenged him, calmly and asked why he didn’t protect the boy who killed Arun Kumar and have ACC and mental health prosecuted under Crimes Act?  Why did a 12 year old boy, with a head injury who ACC and mental health failed repeatedly get prosecuted for murder when it was obviously the fault of those two dreadful, criminally negligent agencies?

Beacrofts body hunched over even more and he almost ran into the lift when it arrived, turned to me and repeated 3 times, I haven’t got time, I havn’t got time, I havn’t got time, then hung his head as the doors shut.  I knew then this revolting man, who has been sending disabled mentally injured abused children to prison for years, according to his profile is one of the most corrupt judges in New Zealand.  This of course is why the National Party would have put him in this position.  It makes my heart ache that our government and judiciary are that corrupt and have been for many years – and nobody has stood up to this gross miscarriage of justice.  This corruption is why I get refused the professional treatment care and rehabilitation I am entitled to under law, its why my complaints of harm under Sections 150A 151 155 157 of the Crimes Act against ACC and others gets ignored.  Its why ACC, police etc instead drag me through court repeatedly for screaming for care I am entitled to after winning two ACC reviews and legally protesting in a NON-VIOLENT away about this injustice.

If an intelligent educated 51 year old woman like myself cannot get the treatment care rehabilitation and justice we are entitled to under New Zealand and international law – then no child is going to.  My passionate protests have been motivated by the suffering and injustice abused children, women and men are going through unnecessarily – I wish I could use that feeling to motivate me in other ways – to stop me eating, get me exercising again, get me sorted around home and find just a little joy in the world.

Its extremely sad that people in power, including police, judges, human rights, etc know what I am saying is true about ACC, mental health and the NZ government but they are committed to keeping up this persecution because neo-liberal politicians say they should.  Ignorant bigoted cruel radicalised abusive corrupt men and women who sit in organisations dedicated to protecting disabled and poor – they are the PASSIVE AGGRESSIVES I talk about.  They are experts at being nice about what is happening and blaming everybody but themselves – after all they are just doing their jobs – and if they weren’t doing what our corrupt abusive politicians said then they wouldn’t have jobs.

I despise the NICE people even more than the CRUEL people – the only solace I get at the moment is knowing under international law when this persecution of mentally injured abuse and trauma victims finally gets exposed then all those people involved will be liable to criminal prosecution.  These people who are allowing the government to withhold health care, access to legal representation and necessaries of life – like a safe house to live in are no different to those who sent Disabled Gypsies and Jews off to the gas chambers.  Now we send people off to kill themselves or kill others – there’s money in that for the corrupt rich and powerful – money in that for judges, lawyers, security firms, justice agencies, welfare agencies, mental health workers, etc.  The similarities between what happened with the NAZIs persecuting minorities and what’s happening with NEO-LIBERALS persecuting minorities are glaringly obvious to me who is LIVING THIS NIGHTMARE.

It makes it worse of course when you live in a street, town, region, country where most people are doing relatively OK.  Where we get bombarded over and over every day what a paradise we live in and how great it is compared with other countries.  Every day on all forms of media its repeated over and over again – so when someone like me comes along and says THE OPPOSITE I am persecuted for it – people refuse to accept it – THE MESSENGER IS SHOT.  Like the group of Wairarapa police officers who feel it is their job to silence, discredit and then abuse me for what I say.

Its the same reason New Zealand media refuse to tell my story or what I know about the truth of just how badly we treat abused children, women and men – how badly we treat families.  The truth that cutting state housing was a terrorist act against mentally injured traumatised people – who were by far the greatest number in state homes.  If you had a traumatic childhood the state helping you by giving you somewhere to live was the least it could do.  It is another deep sadness for me that people who have had good childhoods, been safe and supported, mostly wealthy people – are the ones who are stopping these traumatised people getting homes now.  Worse than that they are getting 30 years of governments to sell off housing so they can buy it – as so much of it is now in desirable housing areas and they don’t think poor disabled people deserve to live in nice areas.

My poem ASIAN BITCH comes to mind, look it up, about my people being greedy and cruel and feeding off the broken – about not learning anything from WWII.  When we violate human rights for minorities (like disabled mentally injured abuse victims and traumatised) we are bringing back the environment that created WWII.  Human Rights laws came out of WWII, some very clever people worked out how Hitler and his NAZIs came to power – things like they stopped FREEDOM OF EXPRESSION by artists like myself – they controlled media.

NZ government created the HPO – Health Promotion Agency to brainwash New Zealanders with propaganda, especially around violence.  They try and make violence NOT ACCEPTABLE when it is the government who pays them that creates most of the stress, discrimination and environment that causes this violence.

I studied to become a lawyer because I believed in the law – now I really understand that the judiciary were willing participants in putting 10,000s of disabled mentally injured abuse victims & traumatised people in prison – knowing they were not receiving the health care they were entitled to under multiple NZ laws – my entire world has been shattered.  Had an excellent discussion when being processed at Wellington Central police station one time with a security guard who was ex-prison officer in 1980s, said prisons filled up when mental health facilities were emptied.  That is blatant discrimination and persecution of disabled mentally injured and mentally ill people – same people who have had housing issues for decades that our media and politicians ignored, until similar housing issues started happening for middle class.

Been feeling – weird/different for a few weeks – trying to accept this gross miscarriage of justice and corruption in my own country, that majority of citizens and rest of world thinks is paradise. :-(

Dear Diary – I’m living in Heart of the Darklands Twilight Zone – New Zealand

I’m not sure what dissociation means – I’ve read about it with regard to mentally injured abuse victims but didn’t fully understand it – I think I’m starting to.  Everything is like walking around in a movie, like nothing is real, nothing interests me, I know in my heart everything I try to do will fail – as it always fails.  Yet everywhere I look there are media and people saying how we live in Paradise and today Theresa Gattung (used to be CEO of Telecom on $millions) was saying how easy it is to be a successful woman in New Zealand.

Perhaps its the pre-Christmas thing, everybody happy or pretending to be happy, when most are stressing out, drinking more, eating more, spending more, to try and feel happy – but mostly people are more angry, frustrated and despondent.

Today the Police Complaints Authority person who handling my current assault case phoned me after a distraught email begging to get this shit with group of police HATERS in Wairarapa sorted.  She was really nice – I hate it when people nice, it makes me cry.  My friend K said the same thing today – she’s just been told she has to leave her house and is freaking out, along with all the other shit she is going through.  I saw her outside a local café, drinking water, she was on the verge of tears.  Poor K I can’t help her either, I’ve now got so many issues with moving, HER BEING FORCED TO MOVE freaked me out as it brings up all the traumatic moves I have been forced to make since I was raped in 2002.

Anyway the IPCA woman was really nice and yes I became really upset, kept saying I didn’t want the officer/s to get into trouble I just wanted to know why they said those revolting things to me and why they thought victimising me for being unwell, not getting care I am entitled to and fighting through my protesting was OK – WHEN IT DEFINITELY IS NOT!  I HAVE ENOUGH TO WORRY ABOUT WITHOUT POLICE GIVING ME SHIT!

I had sent a couple of emails to Inspector Howard but she sent a shitty email saying it was up to the IPCA.  Bloody hell, I don’t want the police assault bought up at the trial for 7 charges of screaming at ACC to have my care reinstated and protesting because I couldn’t get a lawyer to make them – and have tried EVERY complaints process there is in this shit hole – none of them work.

The idea of brining up an assault at a Bill of Rights trial makes me feel like I’m back on trial for rape – and we all know how that turned out, rapist was found not guilty even when he admitted it.  I kept telling her I needed this stress with police off my plate as it was making my disability/stress disorder much worse.  I wanted this matter dealt with before the trial so I didn’t have to face the officer – I picture it in my head the state I will be in and it will not be pretty.  One of those situations where I will have to self-harm to cope, oh how my mental health has deteriorated due to the unprofessional, often abusive care I have been subjected to by ACC, mental health, NGOs and police.

I know I’m waffling – I’m tired but I can’t sleep, needed to get this shit out – my heart hurts.  I still can’t believe I am being subjected to all of this just for wanting and needing the professional treatment care and rehabilitation ACC law says I am entitled to.  Also health, disability, criminal, imperial, human rights and bill of rights say I am entitled to.  So many people in New Zealand don’t even know what they should be getting and our corrupt government have manipulated the situation and dumped mental health care onto WELFARE agencies – WTF?  There is something very corrupt going on and it relates to getting abuse victims professional health care they entitled to – but the government and particularly ACC do not want to pay.

I don’t understand though because care of abuse victims that are children or on welfare doesn’t come from levies, it comes from the Consolidated Fund.  Of course those sicko money men doing $billions worth of investments want to make sure they have lots of money to play with – they don’t care where it came from.

I’ve also been sickened by an #attitude award ceremony I saw was on this week, which was marketed over social media as being about how great disabled people were.  WTF.,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Troll abusing me for comments about ACC Minister Nikki Kaye MP – I do have cancer!

Actually I do have cancer, skin cancer.  It took me 3 weeks to get to see a doctor about it, another six weeks before she would put me on a waiting list and 12 weeks before I get any treatment.  Wonder if any politician gets this sort of health care.

Most of those delays are related to my stress disorder because ACC refuse to reinstate the treatment care and rehabilitation I had illegally removed in 2009 – when National got in.  I have won two reviews but still ACC refuse to do it so I am very unwell and find it difficult to communicate in times of stress – especially with health professionals.

I should have a mental health worker, who would have helped me access services but ACC refuse.  My doctor despises me, just like the previous 10 doctors who hate all people with mental health issues because there are no services – so they just attack the person.

Nikki Kaye has been instrumental in ensuring I did not receive the care I am entitled to, so I cannot return to work and have to live in unsafe living situations with this nightmare CPTSD disorder.  I have written to her, she knows my case and refuses to do anything about it.

I found it interesting you have suggested what has been happening to me is karma, when this was happening a long time before Nikki Kaye got cancer.  You obviously do not understand the principles of karma and the corruption and criminal behaviour of our government, who have been denying 1000s of abused men women and children the professional treatment care and rehabilitation they are entitled to and need under ACC, health, disability, criminal, imperial, human rights and bill of rights laws.

Next time police physically assault you and strip you naked in the cells for having cancer please feel free to contact me for some sympathy and advice.

Karma coming to all those in denial about how bad this country has become after 30 years of radicalised neo-liberal terrorists advancing rich, disadvantaging middle class and persecuting disabled poor – particularly people with mental health issues.


Guerrilla Activism in New Zealand by Civil Society Actor – Mental Health/Justice

Hi all,

Had to write about my day yesterday, from up at 5am to get to court in the morning until train home at 10pm.

Thought I had court all sorted was going there to plead not guilty and collect disclosure documents because my lawyer too busy in Wairarapa.  Hadn’t had any bail conditions prior to this, was in the dock when police wanted bail condition that I live at ..Ave, and I didn’t want any bail conditions.  I see this as just a way of police wanting to control me for no good reason and had previous bad experience having to leave a house where flatmate attempted suicide.  There had to be an urgent court hear so I could move.  Doing it now is an abuse of power, victimisation and of no value whatsoever.

Was really stressed going in anyway, so when they refused to remove condition I gave them a bollocking – with lots of swearing.  Bought up about police assaulting me and all the shit I get from them, 3 women in the room, one held onto the glass door so I couldn’t get out – which freaked me out.  Being locked up when you feel like that is revolting.  Security were called, who were AWESOME, said all the right things, that they would sort it out and I sat down.  Started freaking out anyway, rocking backwards and forwards, hitting myself as hard as I could, crying, eyes closed, hands over my ears.

Got so bad I had to crawl into the corner with the walls behind me to calm down.  Couldn’t hear what went on after that, not even sure how long I was there.  They sent in some clown from mental health, big tall bald white guy in a suit – ewww.  Sat down beside me, as soon as he said who he was I started swearing at him, big time, fucking mental health – they’re one of the reasons I’m in this mess.  Told him he was a maggot making money out of the people who were being refused care.  Called him a murderer, etc.  He got up pretty quickly and declared I was definitely not mental health and left – was hilarious and not unexpected – that’s what always happens.  (What do they expect when they refused me services for years, now best to give them shit and remember all those people who have committed suicide etc because of these maggots.)

Eventually I managed to de-escalate enough to open my eyes and ears and a security guard came into the dock and told me what was happening.  I was to see the judge at 10am – I asked him if I could get out of there – go outside and wait, so he saw me out, was almost running – escape mode.  Sat outside for an hour before seeing next appearance.

As I walked back in said sorry to Security, started crying, said I would never hurt anybody – they said they knew that.  Were really nice, though I had an escort when I went back to court – how important am I.  I was 2nd up – they know I want to get out of there fast as I can and what sort of disruption I can be.  Judge wouldn’t listen to my argument, got upset which he was concerned about.  When I didn’t like his decision started giving him shit – not enough to get contempt charge or anything.

Was removed from the dock by some ape pom, with a bad attitude – didn’t help things much, started swearing at him so he was threatening to keep me in the cells for 2 hours if I didn’t keep quiet.  Still told him go back to his own country, etc etc – just can’t keep my mouth shut some times.  Got out of bail room in about 5 mins, the guard was outside and I stopped looked around – there about 30 whipped looking people standing around waiting.  So I walked away from the guard and started singing full voice – Why Am I Arrested For Being Disabled.  Was awesome, so empowering, filled the whole room – keep singing all the way down the escalator and outside.

Once I started up poor security guard has to get me out of there, so I follow him but slowly, don’t like being manhandled and they won’t if you follow them.  Heard a call come through on his radio about getting me out of there – you would have been able to hear it from the courts – they don’t like to be disturbed by a rebellious citizen – might inspire others to rebel.

So left and went for a cuppa and morning tea with friend who had turned up.  There planned the final details for my Swastika and guerrilla poetry mission to The NZ Initiative, IPCA and Ministry of Justice.

First stop Wellington library to get organised, write up the poems put blue tak on Swastika paintings etc, so all ready for when I get to my target I can get it up quickly.  Then off to Bayleys building and NZ Initiative (business round table), photos on my facebook page and video of the poem I did on my youtube channel.

Left there regrouped and got out next painting, then headed off to IPCA only couple of streets away.  Got up there, nobody around put up my painting and did the poem then left – cause I’m trespassed from there – so I am expecting police to call in if they complain.

Finished there, it was raining, so headed for Bus terminal got out a rain poncho I carry and changed into that, heading off the back way to Justice House in Aitken Street where ACC and Ministry of Justice are.  Put up the painting, recited a poem and left.  Headed down Molesworth Street, past Appeal Court, Backbenchers and High Court, did a loop inside the courtyard of the High Court – I know they hate that.  Waved at security, did a little dance too I think – didn’t give them the finger even though I wanted to.  The guys watching the screens aren’t necessarily the ones I’m pissed off with.

Then went back to the bus terminal and court bus up to Victoria Uni Kelburn, stay out of the way while police might be looking for me.  The ESRA (left wing think tank) launch, was awesome, there had also been 3 days of workshops etc  Got there and had something to eat and a cuppa, talked to some really interesting people, good brain food.  Told a few what I had been up to, walking the talk.

Should offer them a talk on being a lone Civil Society Actor, how to deal with police etc.  Trespass Law and Bill of Rights.

Had to wait around until late train at 10.30pm, just people watched and McDonalds and the train station for 1 1/2 hrs.  Was good talk with a few exceptions, but gotta remember they all middle class people, mostly passive aggressives as well, who all idealistic and don’t like what I do.  Knew several people, was good, my reputation preceeds me with those who know my work.

Had been taking photos and uploading things to facebook all day.

All day today I’ve been smiling every time I think of what I did – challenging the system, pushing their boundaries – taking some power back.  Although the melt-down at court was not good, I recovered pretty quickly once I got into the mission.  The thought of the faces of the people who found the posters and poetry kept me smiling and imagining what they were thinking of.


First draft, unfinished report on Ceilia Lashlie Day Feb 2016

Felt the need to post this first draft, even unfinished, show people where I am going and what I am doing.  Kia kaha to us all.

REPORT BY JR, following Celia Lashlie Day, Victoria University, Wellington 25 February 2016


 I knew attending this event was going to be a challenge and it was much harder than I expected as my stress disorder kicked in with what I was hearing.  14 years going to events like this, surrounded by well-meaning people within the system, saying the same things while the government creates a toxic environment that makes matters worse – I’ve had enough. Hopeful this report will be the catalyst needed to bring professional health and rehabilitation processes to the current VIOLENCE INDUSTRY – along with the much needed resources that are required by law but being illegally withheld.

 My time was spent writing pages of notes during the morning sessions so I will follow those for now.  I am not an academic and my stress disorder is bad so I apologise for any repeats, grammatical errors, spelling mistakes, informal page layouts, etc.

 As part of this report I would refer to my website – particularly my law, solutions and rehabilitation pages – with a business plan based on ACC law and Fence At The Top Of The Cliff rehabilitation model.  Facebook page /jrmurphypoetmusician;  twitter @jrmurphypoetry ; youtube channel  You will note from these social media that like Celia I don’t pull any punches, which gets me offside with many.  I am also living this nightmare, have a life-threatening stress disorder, have studied stress disorders extensively, understand Occupational Therapy concepts of professional rehabilitation, am spirituality aware; along with knowing ACC, disability, health, criminal, human rights and bill of rights laws.  And my experience at the hands of the current abusive, unprofessional, irresponsible, criminally negligent agencies is also invaluable.

 NO MORE – I am putting up with this experimental way we are dealing with traumatised people NO MORE – people are entitled to professional health care using professional health models – that is currently not happening which is a breach of Human Rights and Bill of Rights in the area of experimentation. (Please refer to the story by Gabrielle Quirk, why did it take a police officer to do this, where are our health professionals?) There have also been several other breaches of law which I will outline later in this report

 Under United Nations definitions I am considered a Civil Society Actor in this field and as such supposed to be treated with impunity, this is not happening after almost 20 police visits to my home in Dec/Jan/Feb.   Mostly welfare visits, because I was phoning people in health, justice or political areas who I knew were responsible for what was happening to me (or more correctly what was not happening) and telling them I wished I was dead because I couldn’t get care and bear to live in poverty, unwell and unemployed any longer.

 My neighbours have stopped talking to me and I have started having nightmares about police coming to get me after a couple of the officers decided to be vindictive because of all the calls.  I am currently in court for misuse of a telephone, for phoning ACC screaming at them if they didn’t reinstate my care, as required by two reviews, or help me and other abuse victims that God was going to reign down fire and brimstone on them.  I have also developed a tourettes type disorder after waiting 7 years to have my ACC care (12 hours and 5 people in a multidisciplinary team) reinstated from 2009 – so I swear when I am upset and threatened.

 Recently it was stated by media that John Tully had been begging and screaming for help before he had a psychotic episode and killed those two WINZ workers.  Just yesterday a Christchurch journalist reported how domestic violence doubled after Valentine’s Day earthquake.  It is a fact and those in power know that prolonged stress causes some people to become violent towards those around them.  The solutions and ‘health care’ I propose would almost eliminate this dysfunctional reaction.  The solutions I propose would not only help people currently harming and being harmed it would empower and educate people on how to stop others from this reaction – how to help them.  This knowledge is so powerful and works so well it would spread throughout our communities like the ‘wildfire’ – people everywhere are so desperate for solutions to violence.

 Ceilia Lashlie Day

 My mission is outlined in my business plan for Mental Injury Services and on my social media sights.  I take Ceilia’s work one step further, that is my soul’s objective – action not words.  My mission is not to work with vulnerable people directly (other than those currently around me) but to make changes in government and with those who have the power and money to change these violent dysfunctional ‘health’ outcomes – eg health, welfare, social, justice agencies and news media.

 Several of the agencies represented at the day were ones who have censored what I have been saying about ACC and professional rehabilitation for many years.  I am blocked from their social media and often discredited and insulted for what I know, the situation I am in and challenging their abusive systems.  Note: there are a small minority that have successful programmes but because of the appauling state of housing, inequality and unemployment now it makes even more dysfunctional people, hence the increases in violence.


The magic in every child: I completely agree, ACC purpose and entitlements believe in this too for abused children, but do not deliver.

 Honesty and CredibilityNot happening, I have been listening to the same rhetoric for 14 years and the same solutions that successive governments refuse to fund – when they are legally obliged to.

 Moral Courage: I didn’t see any moral courage in that room, when I challenged Dr Liz Gordon to go to the police and make complaints under 150A 151 & 157 of the Crimes Act she refused saying it would be too embarrassing.  She told me nothing could be done to make ACC follow the law and Human Rights laws weren’t enforceable in the case of discrimination against mentally injured and mentally ill people.  I am sure any other speaker or academic I would have spoken to on that day would have said the same things, she is just an indictment of how abusive and degrading the ‘violence industry systems’ have become.

 Social Well-being and Awareness: I am not finding this at all, the connections are inciting discrimination, bigotry, fear and ignorant misinformation.  Not the 21st century professional treatment care rehabilitation and justice that is supposed to be happening.  Leaders are making decisions and manipulating people rather than well educated health and welfare providers (I consider only 20% of them to be sufficiently qualified and trained to the level of understanding I have).  Our communities are not working together, mostly due to inequality and the stress of poverty, poor housing, misguided marketing/social engineering, etc.  This is the elephant in the room when it comes to addressing violence and our politicians particularly are in denial at the damage neo-liberal economic policies are having on our society – on our culture.

 Social Justice/Responsibility: The leaders of our communities hold the power to solve these problems – THE COMMUNITY ARE CURRENTLY THE VICTIMS OF ABUSES OF THIS POWER – victims of radicalised economic policies that are terrorising the poorest and middle classes, while advancing the wealthy.


I am a spiritual person but have become hostile and object to any prayers/karakia being said at anything to do with the ‘violence industry’.  Things have only got worse since these prayers began to be more widely used – you wouldn’t say them before a medical procedure or major operation and they are inappropriate in this context as well  (when ‘violent behaviour’ is approached from a health perspective as I do it).

 I apologise now if I cause offence, however people will have to accept what I am saying if ANY SERIOUS ACTION to stop the ‘violence industry’ is going to happen.

 Ceilia talked about the work she did directly with people and she did a great job, which is why she was loved by so many.  But we cannot leave this sort of care to chance, especially when through ACC law and professional health models (like Occupational Therapy) this care should be provided as of right, consistently and with well trained multi-disciplinary teams of health and welfare professionals.  Not multi-agency but multi-disciplinary teams, the haphazard unprofessional way we currently operate ends up with huge disparities in services throughout the country.  Many people instinctively know how to heal people and what they need, that is why my Mental Injury Services and Rehabilitation Model will fit with so many people reading this report.

 I was concerned with the implication that many abuse victims/violent people were doing some life-journey work and had to go through this themselves.  From my extensive study I believe it is not the severity of trauma a person experiences that causes them to become dysfunctional but the care they receive (or is omitted) after trauma.  We cannot change what happens to someone, we can provide a nurturing and safe environment after something happens.  When someone has been in a car accident we care for them, sew them back together, feed them, house them and allow THEIR OWN BODIES to repair – we need to apply this principle to mental injury.

 I read many news items etc on the violence industry and many commentators saying the issue is complicated and nobody really knows what to do.  THIS IS NOT TRUE, from my research we know what to do, we just choose not to do it, especially in regard to professional mental health care for abuse/trauma victims.  Mental Injury Services and Top Of the Cliff Fence are what ACC and others choose not to do.

 I was involved in the 10th Biannual Conference on Child Abuse around 2006 – that’s now 30 years of these gatherings, at a cost of how much?  Things are now worse, not better – they were arguing then about appauling lack of professional mental health services and adequate professional support.  Since then there have been more cuts, more inequality, more housing issues and more degrading welfare policies introduced – more severe stress and hence more violence (particularly sexual violence which I believe is 80% related to neglect not power).

 I was disturbed to see Duncan Garner involved in this group and the book launch.  He is someone I have been trying to get help from for years and been publicly abused degraded and discredited for it.  The way I approach violence is extremely challenging for people who are ignorant – if people had the extensive knowledge I did they wouldn’t act that way.  However society has become conditioned against violence due to extensive marketing campaigns like White Ribbon and Its Not OK (who have both censored my voice on social media).  Campaigns that put blame on those affected, rather than those who created this dysfunctional environment where 20% of the population suffer.

 CES’s Soul Work – Empowering Women

 I was disturbed by something that Ceilia said about not apologising for being middle class and educated.  Looking around the room the majority of people were like her – middle class and educated – many had been involved in the violence industry for many years.  All had seen violence statistics get worse and our societies mental health deteriorate – I don’t recall seeing anywhere how any of these people had taken to hunger strike in their cars outside Parliament in protest at the suffering and medical neglect they were witnessing (which of course they havn’t considered as I have.)

 It is one of the protest actions I imagine with cars lined up around Parliament, in them people on hunger strike against the appauling state of mental health services, particularly for abuse victims.  To imagine those cars full of people from this event taking a stand makes me cry as I am writing.  I imagine the daily speeches and workshops organised on the steps of parliament and beneath the Seddon statue, the local and international media lined up to speak to each of you about why you were there and what you knew.  I imagine the government and politicians being humiliated and disempowered by such a powerful direct action by academics, police, public servants and community leaders in the anti-violence industry.  I imagine this action – which would take no longer than a week to be successful – would not only change New Zealand’s response to violence and social issues but would also lead the world in this.  It would lead the world of academics and community leaders who deeply desire change but feel powerless in the face of dysfunctional ‘systems’ politicians and more to ACT.  I imagine disempowered abuse victims, those working in the violence industry and those begging for help coming from all over New Zealand to support this action, until thousands were gathered, all demanding WHAT IS RIGHT and ACTION.  Ahhhh I have a dream.

 Middle class educated people should apologise for who they are and that they are not doing EVERYTHING within their power to change what is going on in the world for traumatised people.  I am repeatedly arrested for my legal protests, repeatedly made to recount my trauma and have my traumatic stress disorder compounded by systems and people supposed to protect me both as a disabled vulnerable person and as an activist and Civil Society Actor (please refer to UN and google for definition).  I am poor with few academic qualifications, I am a frightened persecuted peasant of the lowest order – at the same time as I am well educated and empowered with truth and courage as my defences.

 In my solutions I am not asking that laws be changed and new science be adopted – although some may need to be (under urgency I would hope) – I am asking for laws and science to be adhered to.  For people with power to do what they say and people to be protected and cared for as they are supposed to be under ACC, health, disability, criminal, imperial, human rights and bill of rights laws. 

To get through this report I need to dream for a while and imagine how everything would happen if I could make this happen.  Firstly a plan of action which would include extensive training of those within the violence industry – some of whom would need to be removed due to personality disorders that would undermine and sabotage the new approach.  ACC would be at the forefront of rehabilitation for mentally injured abuse victims, they have the resources and infrastructure to do this.  Public mental health would work in conjunction with them to cover people mentally injured by other traumas, such as those in Christchurch after the earthquakes and those that witnessed violence but did not have it perpetrated against them.  They would also work in with mentally ill people and the challenges they pose.

 Media would be briefed and given extensive information to report, the community would be given hope and shown a plan that was real and had the backing of academics, community leaders, those who were experiencing violence and those who were perpetrating it.  The community would be educated about the part they would need to play in this, from one of hatred and fear to one of love and understanding.  I am reminded of the words in our National Anthem and my desire to be able to sing that song and mean/feel every word.

 I imagine six week ‘retreats’ being started all over New Zealand, every region to have these, so people are healed in their own community.  I imagine thousands of construction workers being moved off commercial projects on to building housing, in every community for every person who needed a safe home to live in.  I imagine these homes to be appropriate to the people who need them and designed in such a way to meet their needs both physically and socially.  They would also be as environmentally friendly as possible.

 I imagine asking not only government to provide money and resources but all charities within New Zealand to be focused on providing our most disadvantaged and unwell citizens their basic needs first and foremost – not sport, art or business – that would come later.

 I imagine a programme of free education for people wanting to work in this new era of health care for mentally injured and ill people.  Particularly the training of hundreds of Occupational Therapists, who I consider the most vital link in this rehabilitation process.

I imagine ACC buying properties throughout New Zealand to run these retreats as an investment in our own people rather than any other countries.  We must heal ourselves first before we can help others.  I imagine these places in the bush and beside the sea, around those places wealthy people already use to calm and care for themselves, such as Taupo. 

 Then I imagine the news headlines, the crime and violence statistics being slashed, the world recognition for our commitment to caring for people and the example we can set for other countries.  We are a small country it is easier for us because of our size to implement this.  Once it was successful then we could export those we have trained and healed to other parts of the world to facilitate change and peace in their countries.

 It makes you feel a little better when you can focus on your goal, especially one so grand and valuable to society.

 Now it is time to have a break my eyes are sore and go get some fresh air, be back soon, I am not stopping until this is finished today – you hear me Jayne, today :-)


Why doesn’t New Zealand Parliament reflect our culture of kindness & charity

Was talking with a friend tonight about how, kind, charitable and friendly most New Zealanders are.  She’s originally from England, came here when she was 16.  She was talking about the Harvest Festival she went to on the weekend and how a friend of hers was chatting away to some people she thought he knew.  When he came to talk to her and she asked who they were he said he didn’t know them, that they were travelling New Zealand and decided to come to the festival as they had seen it on a poster – he had asked them to come and join their table for the rest of the day.  Sarah said if that was England there is no way anybody would do that, everybody stuck to themselves.

I recounted a story by a Chinese man I met protesting last year who was an English teacher and travelled a lot around the world.  He told me also that out of all the countries he had been to New Zealanders were the most friendly, anybody would talk to you on the street, give you directions, the time or help with almost anything you asked.  Even the way I had talked to him openly when I was sitting under Seddon outside Parliament, singing reciting poetry etc and had started the conversation while he was watching me.  He told me that would never ever happen in China, if a stranger approached you on the street, for any innocent reason, the person would be frightened not respond and even run away.  They would think the person was going to rob or harm them.  We talked for about half an hour, we connected, felt similar about the way the world was headed and the way it should be headed and when he left we hugged goodbye.

I asked him lots of questions about what China was really like, very interesting and very scary the control the government have over there – good to hear there were now lawless cities in China the government couldn’t even go into – hotbeds of rebellion.

There was also a report last year saying we were the 3rd most generous country in the world.

With all this information about our culture WHY IS OUR GOVERNMENT and PARLIAMENT mean, uncharitable, miserly, elitist, threatening, abusive, degrading, insulting and unkind to some of the most vulnerable and deserving people here?  Aren’t our members of Parliament supposed to represent ‘the people’, be a reflection of who we are and our culture?

Even our National Anthem talks about bonds of love and protecting us from dissension envy and hate.  All those things neo-liberalism and cruel capitalism (being different to capitalism that isn’t cruel and doesn’t violate human rights etc) have inflicted on us over the past 30 years.

Why are we doing this, why are we allowing this, is our parliament being run by another country with a different culture? Is our country being run by cruel rich globalists and gambling addicts with psychopathic tendencies obsessed with money and power at all costs?

I know if we keep down this neo-liberal path we will lose the special connection we have with each other in New Zealand, we will lose that part of our cultural identity most of us have that sets us apart from the rest of the world.

At what point are they going to wake up and realise what they have created and allowed is very bad and does not reflect who we are, it does not follow our most precious constitutional laws or criminal law, nor the promises made in our National Anthem.  At what point are the people who vote for this meanness and unkindness going to demand change?

Kia kaha and Aroha to us all.

Email to New Zealand politicians, police, human rights organisations, ACC

Email sent to following people:  ACC Complaints; SUTTON, Michael (police) ; Sarah Jones (ACC case manager); Marama Fox; max.rashbrooke; Health & Disability Commission; HRRT (Human Rights Review Tribunal); Human Rights Commission; Sue Moroney MP; Nikki Kaye MP; Amy Adams MP;; Stuff website Fairfax;; Complaints Ombudsman; michelle Brough (police)

I had to go to the supermarket today, cry when I go there now, so ashamed – thankfully people don’t usually notice the tears rolling down your face, because you’re not sobbing.  After I had my card decline over $7 last week to even walk in is humiliating,  I can’t go to the counter with the young guy who served me that day all I get is visions of self-harming.

Walking around trying to work out how to get enough food to deal with your bulimia and have enough money to do other things, like buy gas for the stove.  Its much like after you are raped when you go out and feel like you have a neon sign on your forehead that says poor worthless loser please despise me.  You try not to look around, keep your head down, there are so many nice things that you are not allowed, you only buy things on special.  I’ve been keeping my receipts to prove the sort of food I am forced to buy – I did do a really bad thing today, its like an addiction thing.  I was feeling so bad when I woke up this morning about what a revolting person I am I went to Masterton (which is 15 mins away) and had $6 worth of McDonalds, which I almost inhaled (part of the bulimia you refuse to deal with, that you have known I have had for years and costs me money).  Then I went to a café and had a coffee and a savoury scone while I wrote in my diary.  Saw someone I used to work with avoided looking so she wouldn’t come up to me, so ashamed, started feeling sick and trying to work out how to get out of the café without her commenting.  If she did say hello, she would want to know how I am and what I was doing.  I have nothing I could say, I’m a worthless loser rotting on welfare, I am nothing I do nothing, not real work, not like people want you to talk about.  She is a National Party person if I told her the truth she wouldn’t know how to respond and would despise me for it.  She knew what an intelligent person I am and what a good worker I am, she would just consider me a bludger if I told her the truth.  I am so ashamed I managed to escape without making eye contact – won’t go to a café ever again.  Now feel really bad that I spent the money.  Its pay day today, only allowed to spend money one day a week now, that’s how little I have.


Back to the supermarket, I keep my head down, I stand in front of things I want/need for ages, just looking trying to decide how desperate I am and what I will have to give up in order to buy that thing.  I stand there and tears start rolling down my face I can’t stop them, I drop my head so nobody will see, I try not to make eye contact with anybody.  If I see somebody I know who might ask how I am I avoid them, hide from them.  I try not to look what other people have in their trolleys but sometimes I just can’t help it - look at all the nice things they have.  I have $1 bread, $1 can tomatoes, $2.50 of luncheon, 2 x $3.50 eggs (good eggs on special that will last me the week, maybe even 2 wks), cheese slices on special (yippee havn’t had cheese for months) – this week I needed shampoo and conditioner – its $10, I wipe away my tears while nobody is watching.  My heart hurts, I want to run out of the shop onto the main road and in front of a truck and die – this is what my life is going to be like for the rest of it – I don’t want to live.  I havn’t heard from ACC so I am assuming they are never going to contact me again or do anything to get my care back so I will never work, I will be left with no hope, no job living in the most degrading poverty on earth.

When my card declined last week the young guy said well at least we don’t live in Bangladesh but I wish I did.  Living with so little around so many people who have so much is the most degrading hell on earth.  Living the first 37 years of my life with everything I needed and the time since I was raped with so little – but more now I don’t have the kids is the worst.  The worst hell on earth, at least poor people in third world countries aren’t surrounded by people gloating about what they do have.  Spending/wasting money on things that aren’t even important, like the new statue in town, built by Lions from charity money.  The mayor said he would get me some wood a few weeks ago, said he would get me food from the food bank but he didn’t get me the food, even though I phoned him, I was so scared about the wood not coming and freaking out about being cold this winter I spent the last of what Dulcie gave me.  Now I have nothing if one of my kids needs me or there is an emergency.

I cant go to the food bank, I would be able to and I would be able to get food that I know I am eligible for if I had the mental health worker, a social worker or Occupational Therapist I am entitled to under ACC.  I can’t go there because the last time I did I was so humiliated and degraded by the woman I have become phobic about going.  I am very frightened, I get very frightened and self-harm after the supermarket, binge and vomit usually as well.  I feel so worthless and humiliated that I am so poor.

HAvn’t heard from my mother since Xmas, she’s older now, has a heart condition, she’s mean to me because I am poor, hates that I don’t work because she knows I am intelligent.  I don’t tell her about my protesting or anything, she just abuses me for it – I’m a bludger, I waste police time, I’m a loser, I should just get over it, how good it is my dog died now I won’t have to buy food for her and when I move again I won’t need to worry about getting somewhere I can have her.  I see my brother in law (who lives in our old family home where my mother has a unit attached) was in the paper, got a payout with others cause his boss said something in the paper about him and others that she wasn’t supposed to.  $100,000 wow, lucky them – my sister and him hate my guts – only seen there kids about 4 times in their lives, the oldest is 10.  Mostly because I’m poor and they vote National, love John Key so hate my guts for bludging when they know I’m intelligent.  I remember once playing a game where you answer questions and me and him were answering almost all the questions.  Sad I have been rotting on welfare for 14 years thanks to ACC refusing to provide me the treatment care and rehabilitation I am entitled to.

Last time I was home a friend paid for me and the girls to go.  It was 18 months after mums heart attack, I hadn’t been able to visit until my friend gave me the money.  I had to stay with my sister ,  my daughter had told me I wasn’t allowed to argue so I didn’t.  The first day we were there he couldn’t help himself and told me he didn’t agree with welfare – said we shouldn’t have it.  I looked at him and suggested he go and visit a country with no welfare then walked away.  My own family would prefer I had nothing and lived on the streets begging because I am disabled by my mental injury and can’t go for a job interview.  That’s what the main reason is I can’t get work, after 14 years of course its much much worse than that, now I have no qualifications and who is going to employ an insane bludger that hasn’t worked for that long – NOBODY.

In 2009 my OT and I had worked out that the not guilty verdict had created a phobic reaction to being judged, which manifested by not being able to go for a job interview.  Or having a severe reaction to being judged.  Its like when I was in court for legally protesting at ACC last year, I was flipping out as I was forced to represent myself, when I realised the judge was corrupt and abusive I couldn’t stay in the room until the end I became so traumatised I started rocking backwards and forwards in my chair with my hands over my ears chanting.  I had a security guard escort he was really nice.  If I had stayed I would have gone tourettes on it and started swearing at her because it was so unfair.  Why was I being prosecuted in court for a the same crime I had only months before been acquitted of (wilful trespass of ACC).

Why was I being prosecuted for legally protesting about ACC refusing to reinstate my professional care after repeatedly saying they would then refusing.  Sarah Jones promised my care would be reinstated as it was in 2009 last year, when she phoned me out of the blue I made sure I asked it very plainly, over and over again and she said yes.  It is almost a year since that phone call and I’m still here rotting on welfare, but worse off.  Much more isolated.

I seldom go out with my friend S, she asks me but I can’t bear being around her and her friends, they have money and I am deeply humiliated that I can’t afford to have a drink and mostly can’t participate in conversations because I don’t work.  I don’t go on holidays, I don’t buy things, I don’t go to cultural events, I don’t visit my family.

A few weeks ago I did go to Wellington and attend a National Library lecture called Kicking the Boundaries, gave me lots of ideas about how to use the National Library to research plays, poetry etc.  So many normal people there, felt like the neon sign was above my head again telling everybody what a loser I was.  Although for a couple of hours I thought about all the things I could do, as I was leaving the loud voice in my head told me – NO POINT IN THINKING ABOUT THIS YOU HAVE NO MONEY AND NOTHING YOU EVER WANT TO DO WORKS OUT – YOU CAN’T FILL OUT THE FORMS TO GET FUNDING, ACC ARE NEVER GOING TO HELP YOU – SO JUST SHUT UP YOU LOSER.  I left crying.

I attended the Ceilia Lashlie Day, used all my food money to get there, I had a bad reaction coming up to lunch, seeing all those people there getting paid to be in the VIOLENCE INDUSTRY, saying the same things they have been saying for over a decade that I know of and decades before that.   Am currently writing a report on what happened that day and my disgust at seeing the same people and hearing the same rhetoric.  Only worse because they were gloating about how women in prison who had killed people were getting help to go to university – which ACC refuse me (and I had to quit university last year when I tried to go back, but was left with the $3000 loan and yet another failure).  How these people in prison were getting health care, study support, to be around others and work.  They had somewhere stable to live and were around other people.  They talked about the couple retreats which were like the residential care I had been begging for.

The following week I heard of some other things at Victoria I went to, I cried several times when there, I so miss it, I so love study and learning things, being part of something – being a student is something to be.  I went to a lecture about capitalism and participated with my take on human rights being a way of stopping the cruel corrupt neo-liberal form of capitalism the poorest people were currently being terrorised by.  I had some interesting conversations with intelligent people, wish I didn’t have to be at home alone almost every day.  I went to a screening of the Palestinian documentary 5 Broken Cameras, I took notes and cried through that too.  All those NZers there because of Palestine who refuse to address the same issues in New Zealand for poor worthless human sewage like me.  That disabled poor NZers are losing their homes and means of growing food because of the lack of housing, especially over the past 30 years while the government has been trying to get rid of state housing.  Now we are forced to rent and move repeatedly so we can’t grow food, I know I had to leave several gardens I had tended and spent money on, will never do it again – its too traumatic.  Wish I was dead – our government and ACC think life in New Zealand is good for people like me rotting on welfare, they think we’re lucky – when we are treated worse than vermin.

What is the point in giving people charity if you are going to degrade, humiliate and abuse them for it?  ACC put me through this so they dont’ have to provide me the treatment care and rehabilitation I am entitled to – I don’t know why they are doing this, I can’t understand when there are laws saying what I am entitled to that I am forced to do go through this nightmare, wanting to die every day as I’ve given up hope.  The only reason I stay alive now is to protest and get care for other people, so the world is a better place for my children and their children, so they’re not raped and abused, so they have a chance and so do future generations.  One day I will give up and kill myself, I look forward to that day.







Post to Dr Liz Gordon, passive/aggressive from Celia Lashlie Day

As you know I seldom check my comments after so much degrading abuse, well today I decided to and most of it was spam, except for a short email from Dr Liz Gordon abusing me for not publishing her previous long email – which I cannot read (part of my phobia stuff).

I met Dr Gordon at the Ceilia Lashlie day a couple of weeks ago, spoke to her for 20 mins and it became obvious she was just another MAGGOT in the system.  These are the people who feed off the puss filled sore that is social decay, people getting paid to investigate things in the VIOLENCE INDUSTRY – our universities are full of them – even though we are well aware of what to do and why we have violence.  We don’t have a whole planet covered in intelligent educated people that have made it there life’s work to understand causes of violence, trauma, etc and how to create a peaceful society – THEY ARE EVERYWHERE and they have been around for decades (more correctly hundreds of years).  Its how I know what I know and fight so hard to get the care people are entitled to by law.

She perfectly fits the profile of prison guard who allows prisoners to be degraded by other abusive guards by justifying it as not her responsibility and laughing inappropriately.  She makes jokes about how she loved being called a Maggot, then chastises me in the nicest passive/aggressive way she can about not posting her previous longer comment.  Obviously not knowing I seldom look at my comments section and have said several times on my website that I don’t so people should get hold of me other ways.

NOTE: The reason I lost it with her at Celia Lashlie Day, is I knew she could change what was happening for me and so many others.  I asked her to take what she had learnt through her research and make a complaint to police that the New Zealand government were in fact knowingly causing harm with their economic and social policies.  She refused, FIRSTLY telling me it would be too embarrassing and police wouldn’t listen to her, then giving a whole range of other excuses.

I know challenging people like her doesn’t help the situation, but then they don’t help the situation either.  Even the $millions of wrap around services the government intend to put into gang families isn’t going to work in the long term (note it will work for a few of the families & the govt will pretend it is a raging success and cut funding), because it creates a situation where on a subconscious level people will come into these situations just so they can get help.

From what I have seen of John Tully’s trial and life he is in a similar position, driven mad, driven to violence and ending up with somewhere stable to live, where he will get health care, three meals a day, acceptance and psycho-social interaction he desperately needed.  He will get to talk to the likes of Dr Gordon who go to prisons to help people there.  He will get to work within his capabilities, get to study, he will have meaning in his life – he will be something because he is a murderer – before this he WAS NOTHING.  I recall telling Dr Doris the psychiatrist how I was NOTHING, how I just wanted to be something.  Being an activist mostly fills that gap for me (and I thank all my supporters for their genuine love and validation) but there is still the ‘old me’ who wants to be valued/paid for the work I do or talents I have (I dream of being a playwright or consultant in mental health area implementing the treatment care and rehabilitation I know people are entitled to and getting paid for it, so I am able to live with dignity – so I my kids, family and community will be proud of me, rather than ashamed).

I must get on to writing my report about Celia Lashlie Day and writing up the my thoughts on the other events etc I have been attending when in Wellington.  Pretty sure I avoiding doing it because of the pain, sadness and trauma it will cause.

Maybe one day all these ‘educated middle class’ people who say they want to help and change the system while they’re getting paid by it (AND THE VIOLENCE ONLY GETS WORSE), will come to Wellington and park their cars outside Parliament and start a hunger strike until the government does what the law says it must.  YEAH RIGHT!  Imagine 100 health and welfare professionals outside any country’s Parliament on hunger strike – the world media would have a field day – the local media would have a field day – the government would have to listen and be forced to change the way they are operating forever.

Kia kaha to us all, especially the likes of Dr Gordon.

Diary Entry Saturday 5 March 2016

Revolting day, barely able to do anything, couldn’t even put the washing on, or vacuum the car like I had wanted.  Spent most of the afternoon in front of the television channel surfing, wanted to go for a swim at the river but couldn’t bring myself to do it.  Have been sitting here thinking why I couldn’t move – of course there is no reason to, no person to cook for or be responsible to, no children, no family, no friends – the only friends I feel safe around are on facebook – which of course doesn’t make up for human contact.

All I have done all day is eat, after getting really upset at the supermarket yesterday when my card declined $7 and I had give the young guy serving me $1.50 in small change.  I transferred $20 from my firewood account – which is now at $80 and firewood is going to cost $700 – to buy some food.  I’m not eating what I would usually eat now I am so poor.  I bought some marrows because I got more for my money and one of the things I have been eating is grated and fried marrow – I couldn’t afford cabbage to go with it :-(

I am 50 years old and having to deal with no knowing if I am going to be able to provide for myself on an almost daily basis – one of the most traumatising and stressful things any human has to deal with on a long term basis – makes my ability to function almost impossible.

I did go out to the Saturday market but it made me feel bad and a couple of people I know there were nice but when I started talking about what was happening, tried to change the subject and told me to do some crafts and they hoped things changed.  Things don’t change, things just get worse and so long as those people are having a good life, other people’s suffering is just something they don’t want to hear about.  That is why it is imperative the leaders of our society do listen and do something.

Its like everybody is in denial that it has become so bad in the darklands, they get ‘happy happy we’re great’ propaganda shoved down their throats everywhere.  Mostly through television – I understand now why most poor people I know don’t watch television they watch movies, who wants to be bombarded by what everybody else has and brainwashed to want what you can never have.  The current programming on all channels is horrendous, especially with house buy – I mean BUYING THE BYOU.  WTF is that bullshit, why would anybody in New Zealand want to watch garbage like that?

Was reading about John Tully earlier today and what was happening to him before he lost it and killed those WINZ workers.  He had been made homeless because of his disability and when he tried to return to his home town of Ashburton to die he was told there was no home for him.  I know 1000s of state houses in small towns were sold off in the 1980s and 90s – this has created and English type of elitism where the rich live in the country and small towns while the disabled poor are driven to the outskirts of cities in dysfunctional communities.  I assume so there is a cheap labour force for those who have money to use when they need them.

Carterton has a few flats for older people but no state/social housing for disabled people – they don’t want human sewage like me living here, they want rich people from overseas of the city moving in.  The mayor even said how great it was in the paper a couple of weeks ago.  Its like I’m a leper, something that these rich ignorant people here about in statistics but don’t actually believe exist.  They only believe everybody who is rotting on welfare with a disability is a bludger who doesn’t want to work – that is what they have been told and that is what it is easiest for them to believe.

Had the police here again yesterday, someone from either Gerry Brownlee’s Anne Tolley’s or Nikki Kay’s office phoned to ensure I was bullied and threatened with arrest if I kept phoning them telling them how bad life was for me and so many others.  Its truly sick what they are doing – separating themselves from the severe harm they are causing with their advancement of the rich and persecution of disabled poor.  This is uncivilized behaviour I believe driven by fear, stressed fearful people become mean, the strong attacking the weak is one of our most basic instincts.

Was reading on the Cultursafe facebook page that NZ has one of the worst cultures of bullying in the OECD.  That of course comes from the bullying and uncivilized behaviour of those who lead this country – both local and central government, media and big business people.  Letting these revolting people get away with human rights violations that are driving people to violence, addiction and suicide is so disturbing it freaks me out.  That our legal system didn’t stop this as it should have makes the fight against this gross miscarriage of justice seem insurmountable – but someone’s got to challenge them.

Was so disgusted by the behaviour of Chris Bishop in the house I emailed him and told him what I thought of his behaviour and pointed out that it was a lie to say the government was working for ALL New Zealanders.  When you consider what I have lost in the 7 years since these murderers and abusers came to power.  Firstly they put John Judge (business round table) into Chair ACC whose staff then illegally dumped thousands of disabled people like me off their books.  They did not build the required state housing for the disabled people they were obliged to by law.  In fact they closed thousands of homes for disabled and poor people, citing earthquake risks.  Then sold off most of it to rich organisations to develop into something different.

Paula Bennett would have to be the worst and most abusive MP of all, she cut the Training Incentive Allowance so I wasn’t able to study (even though I had been studying law in 2001 the year before I was raped and ACC was supposed to help me back to my previous life – they didn’t).  She made sure that human sewage like me had even less of an opportunity to be like other New Zealanders and own a home – I pay my rent every week, why can’t I pay a mortgage and have somewhere safe and stable to live.  Why do middle class people get to borrow money but I don’t.  Disability laws and other documents say disabled people are supposed to be able to have what ‘normal’ citizens do.

I believe the way the government has treated the housing of its citizens was a way of replacing income lost by driving hundreds of thousands of manufacturing jobs to overseas countries and poorer people.  So many people have rental properties now and most landlords or agents (so landlords don’t have to deal with any of the poor tenants) that is their means of income.  They hate spending any money on these homes of course and the prejudice they use to find tenants is causing dissension envy and hate among so many, especially young, those with children, single parents and disabled people like myself.

I have a friend who is an agent for a rich family with several rental properties, she tells me how she chooses new tenants – its against human rights laws but she doesn’t even consider that.  NO young people that might make a mess, NO children that might make a mess, NO unemployed people (which includes disabled people like me of course), NO people in temporary employment, NO people that look like they might make a mess.  That is how majority of landlords think, so where are people to live.  Someone who considers me a friend says to my face I couldn’t afford to live in any of the houses she manages.  She thought she might borrow some money to get her own rental property but worked out I wouldn’t be able to pay enough to cover the mortgage like she needed.

Lately I’ve been saying if I can’t work I don’t want to live – which is true – along with the fact that not working in the prime of your life means you are living in ‘relative poverty’.  People despise you and are scared of the situation you are in as they might end up there too if something happened to them – so avoiding me is the best option.

Had an interesting talk to Lord Nelson, policeman last night – just same police stuff about being concerned for my welfare – when they obviously are not.  He said the people who phone them are more concerned about themselves being seen to do something so if I did kill myself they couldn’t be held responsible.  Police only come to my house so they won’t get held responsible if I do kill myself.  Even though they have a duty of care to me – they actually make the duty of care to my family friends and community.  The government and our community hates the fact people are killing themselves, it points to an extremely dysfunctional society.  Of course the Christian belief that suicide is a sin creeps into everything – when of course people suicide when they aren’t loved and cared for as the bible dictates.

I remember listening to a teacher I know recounting the aftermath of a 14 year old girl killing herself at the college she worked at.  The way the school came together and supported each other, were supported by the community etc – it was sickening.  If a young person is going to commit suicide (because attempting it and failing just makes you more despised and rejected) the huge fuss that is made for those ‘left behind’ is DYSFUNCTIONAL.  I find that with many family members and people who have had people kill themselves (and you only have to look at the number of support groups for people who have had someone they love suicide) that they get massive amounts of attention, when mostly they are the ones who caused the death of the person who did commit suicide.

John Kirwan is being rammed down our throats on TV advertising at the moment, makes me want to smash the TV.  What an ignorant moron, telling people that going to a website was going to get them out of depression – a man who has all his basic human needs met obviously.  How is a website going to fix someone that has depression because of abuse, neglect, trauma, fear of homelessness or unemployment, debt etc etc.  People need people when you’re dealing with any psycho-social issue – telling people to go to a website that was apparently helping 1000s to overcome depression and anxiety is a joke.  Statistics only get worse for suicide depression, self-harm, eating disorders and more.  Also saying depression is about fear and a few other things but not saying depression is about BEING SUICIDAL is seriously disturbing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  If those in authority can’t even tell the truth then there is no hope these people are going to get the help they need.

Legally if people, especially those with disabilities (including people mentally injured by abuse and trauma) don’t have their basic human needs met – as outlined by Maslows Pyramid of Needs – then they are being discriminated against and suffering criminal neglect.’s_Hierarchy_of_Needs.svg/2000px-Maslow’s_Hierarchy_of_Needs.svg.png

None of my needs on that pyramid are currently being met, NONE OF THEM, so is it any wonder I have suicidal thoughts constantly and self-harm, throw up food, tick, react badly to stressful situation, swear and talk to strangers about the serious situation I am in.  No wonder some days I can’t move, I spend most of my time trying to work out how to get my most basic needs met, which at the moment in our corrupt cruel immoral country is fighting the government for professional care from ACC.  No wonder I have an extremely heightened fight flight and freeze response.

What I am talking about is well known to thousands of experts & lay experts around the world.  Why aren’t they doing something about this – its truly sick and proves those in power are truly cruel and corrupt – they put their own ignorance and prejudices ahead of medical science.

Was watching an item about decriminalising all drugs on facebook today, the explanation the man gave as to how to heal/help people with addictions was amazing – fits perfectly with everything I have been saying, with my rehabilitation model and business plan.  Why wouldn’t it, my solutions are based on science not on ignorance and prejudice.

Need to get back to my report on the Celia Lashlie Day and get it sent – just part of me that believes nothing will change, nothing ever changes, things just get worse because we HATE people we should unconditionally love.  That is what the media says, the government says, lawyers say, the courts say and the leaders of our communities say.

Need to update my poem about supermarket shopping, how much it used to make me sad, now it makes me cry and want to kill myself.  Walking through a supermarket with $7 to get a loaf of $1 bread, I try not to look at the food everybody else can buy, food I used to be able to buy. Seeing people with trolley’s full of food, food I used to eat but can no longer afford.

Today I made a curry with chick peas, onions courgettes, pumpkin, carrot and a can of tomato soup someone had given me.  I had all the spices from ages ago.  Its still mid summer and hot but that’s all the food I can afford at the moment – plus it is comfort food and I’m still full from a plateful of it at 4pm with some rice I cooked yesterday.  What I really would have preferred to eat was breakfast of toast and an egg, lunch of a ham or chicken salad sandwich and some fruit, and dinner of perhaps chops and salads.  Can’t afford potatoes :-(

I hear the neighbours coming and going, people visiting them, most of my visits are from police.  I don’t even play music any more, just have it quiet or with TV going.  I wonder if they’re going places to see people, have barbecues and be with family and friends, going to the river, having their nieces and nephews to stay :-(

Feel a bit better now, its dark, have slept several times today so expect not to be able to sleep much tonight.  Want to go and busk at the farmers market in Carterton tomorrow, that would go down like a cup of cold sick – imagine me turning up singing Human Sewage, I wish I was Dead, Why Am I Arrested, Torture Wheel etc.  Nobody wants to hear this stuff, nobody in this town.