23 September 2013
Attention: Secretary for Justice
Mr Andrew Bridgman
Dear Mr Bridgman,
PROOF OF CRIMINAL NEGLIGENCE IN HEALTH, WELFARE & JUSTICE SERVICES FOR ABUSED & MENTALLY ILL PEOPLE DUE TO IMMORAL ABUSIVE NEO-LIBERAL POLITICAL THEORIES- PART 7
Rough day today, lots of anger and extreme sadness, I couldn’t escape it no matter where I went – every part of my day was controlled by the NZ government. The NZ government have had control of my life since I was raped, I thought I had some control but I didn’t, they made sure of that by brainwashing my community to resent, judge and ostracize me for not working & needing extensive health care.
Thankfully I have a suicidal friend and we could talk through the extreme suicidal thoughts of putting a gun in my mouth and blowing off the back of head which were on auto repeat. I wanted to cut myself so badly, it was the like the only way to release some of the stress/psychological pain was physical pain and blood. I cried a lot, I hate crying, I could barely move, just wandered around the house mostly, I wanted to be numb but I have no money for alcohol or pot – I wanted to forget the impossible situation I am in and the fact I have no control over it. My bulimia has been bad but today I could barely eat and felt nauseous all day. I know why I feel sick – because what the NZ government are doing to abused people like me is sickening.
Watching TV has become almost impossible, I want to self-harm every time I see anything about the America’s cup, knowing people in the NZ government made the decision to give those rich sports people $35million dollars at the same time as stopping abused people like me getting the health care they are entitled to. Sick.
One of the programmes I saw was about families, babies, children and parenting, I was overcome with grief when I think of the past 11 years as my girls were growing up. What they missed out on by having a severely stress disordered disabled parent, what ACC and others put me and my children through in order to stop me getting treatment, care, rehabilitation and justice (ie to save money and pander to their cruel immoral neo-liberal political beliefs).
My girls were 6 and 7 when I was raped, they don’t remember what I was like before the rape, they never knew me to be happy (except for a fleeting moment), for months on end I couldn’t touch them (I used to cry and tell them I was sorry it wasn’t their fault)…………………… I can’t go on what ACC and others put us through – for what?……………………. Why, what has all the rejection and persecution ever achieved???????………………. I don’t understand?
All the ‘health professionals’ that lied, wrote reports that didn’t make sense, were not true, not based on medical or scientific fact, were degrading, incompetent, unprofessional. Comments stated as fact that were created out of their imaginations so that ACC got the report they wanted and the assessor got paid over $5,000 for it – THAT IS CORRUPTION! Those that weren’t paid such big money were threatened with the loss of their jobs if they tried to professionally support the abused person. It has been proven that ACC favour health providers that give them the answers they want – that achieve their neo-liberal goals of getting rid of ‘the tail’ or ‘low hanging fruit’ or high needs long term claimants. ACC stop using health providers and assessors that don’t say what they want.
What ACC and mental health have done is drive people to suicide and dysfunctional ways of coping – abuse victims, mostly children driven insane due to lack of professional care – gross neglect. And no, it doesn’t happen to all abuse/trauma victims that they develop Complex PTSD, but then people have different support networks and personalities. I remember a counsellor saying once that about 80% of families handle sexual abuse badly, I know many of the really screwed up abuse victims have been abused by their own families. So when the television talks about families sticking together and supporting each other, for people like me (where my family hate me because I don’t work) and those who have abusive families it is like being hit with a softball bat as a reminder what you don’t have.
Talking with my friend last night she mentioned the Hyundai family adverts and how bad she felt when she saw them.
My children missed out on holidays and time with our extended family, my family considered me insane so I was never allowed to have my nieces and nephews to stay. The seldom visited because I was poor and my house wasn’t as flash as theirs, plus I usually had little food in the house and they would have to buy more. They all love my girls and say how great they are but we were never a priority in any of their lives, no matter how poor or unwell I became. I have family who are well off financially but they would never ever help me out, except for a few times and I was made to feel really bad about accepting it – as far as they are concerned love is a word not an action.
There are some good health professionals but they are rare and organisations like ACC always make sure they employ the most corruptible health professionals as assessors. People like Anne Walshe who is obviously mentally disturbed and because she was caught up in an attempted murder with her psychiatrist lover only ACC would employ her. That gives them huge power over her and she would say anything they wanted. The report she did on me was ridiculous, she had no previous medical history and did not talk with friends or family about my behaviour/life prior to the rape. I can’t go into just how bad it is, as they would require me to go over it again and I cannot. One day I hope to have legal representation and bring that vile woman to justice.
When I read something untrue or degrading written by a ‘health professional’ or bureaucrat I become extremely agitated to the point of self-harm. When I get really down, which I often do as my situation is so dire, the words they have written will go over and over in my head and I start thinking of myself is the most vile piece of human sewage in this country.
I failed my children over and over again, they are ashamed of me as they are getting older and I don’t work, my family are ashamed of me – I am an embarrassment for not working and protesting. They would have had a very very different life if I hadn’t been raped and then neglected and persecuted by ACC and others. I have cost the country hundreds of thousands of dollars in welfare and other services, including the loss of taxes I would have paid. How has spending thousands of dollars trying to stop me getting health care and rehabilitation been cost effective. ACC, mental health and others made me suffer – for what?
They manipulated and tried to confuse me with their processes – which are extremely complicated and impossible for any traumatised person to use.
Cooking shows are really starting to upset me lately – now I only have $50 for groceries for Megan and I every week. I can’t afford ANYTHING they cook, why do the government think it is a good idea to ensure the lowest possible income for those rotting on welfare? How do they think poor people feel having food and items they can’t afford shoved down their throats. How many times a day do you think I see an advertisement that I can’t respond to because of poverty or my disorder.
I cried today because I just can’t understand how so many people could be involved in this gross miscarriage of justice and nobody does anything about it – NOBODY. You all know it is going on but the complaints processes are so bad nobody gets justice and the thing that annoys me the most – nobody has to look you in the eye when you are devastated by rejection. In fact the government has become very good at avoiding every situation where they have to take responsibility for the deaths, harm and suffering of people due to years of deregulation, reforms and austerity aimed at the poor and mentally injured/ill. I can’t actually recall any cuts to the rich, they tried to get rid of their tax free carparks but they all kicked up a stink and won. They tried to shut down a heap of extravagant embassies in small countries but everybody kicked up stink so they stopped. Yet they stopped poor people getting physiotherapy and professional mental health services through ACC and nobody really said anything.
I am being tortured, discriminated against due to my disability, experimented on and the community is being brainwashed to resent, discredit and degrade me – why? Why is this cruel immoral neo-liberal political ideology allowed to dominate medical science and remove a person’s rights under law to be treated with respect and dignity? Why? Where are the Bill of Rights and Human Rights laws to protect us from the rich and powerful, why aren’t they being applied?
I have had the police here again today (I probably already said that but I am very tired) I get scared now when I hear a car go past or stop – I’m always looking out the window worried the police are going to come and try and take me away. Take me away, mental health will commit me, they will load me up on drugs and incarcerate me until I tell them I am never going to protest about abusive health services again. By then I will have lost everything I have, my home, all my belongings, my dog, my children will have to fend for themselves – or try and organise my things. Where will the furniture I have collected over the years go?
You people wonder why I have a morbid fear of mental health services, but these people destroy lives, they don’t repair them. Every mentally ill or injured person I have spoken to has told me mental health services are abusive and never ever get committed if you possibly can avoid it, as you will be far worse when you come out than when you went in. My suicidal friend was committed years ago and is petrified of them, everybody I know is. How come mental health services are so abusive – it is called health care – many of the techniques/treatments they use for controlling people who are self-harming, eating disordered, violent/enraged, etc could not be found in any medical text book.
Things like isolation, incarceration and drugging are methods of torture, not methods of health care – how do these people get away with this?? I don’t understand how or why they would do it – what does refusing people begging for help achieve? All it does is pander to cruel immoral survival of the fittest and persecution of the weak behaviour. …………………….I am so tired.
Have to try and organise the doctor in Wainuiomata tomorrow as the lump under my breast has got bigger and it is worrying me. Along with not knowing how I am going to live, that I need a flatmate but am too scared to look for one, that Megan’s exboyfriend will hang himself in our garage or start stalking Megan with the intention of hurting her, that my family don’t speak to me, that I owe $300 in bills and I can’t pay them (in 11 years I have never incurred a bad debt) I always paid my bills, that my life is about to get a lot worse, that I have to watch TV with all the things I can’t have and never will have, that now I am not buying any café or takeaway food at all I have no reason to go out. I can’t join clubs, I try to participate in my community and get hurt over and over again.
I was a respected person in the community before I was raped, ACC, Wairarapa mental health, NGOs and social agencies in my area have done everything they can to ensure I am ridiculed, degraded and discredited. In Greytown they call me Crazy Jayne, I’m crazy for needing help, knowing what I am entitled to and asking for it???? What sort of country do I live in – how have you people in charge of it been able to get away with what you have done to me and around 500 000 other people rotting at the bottom of the neo-liberal heap. ……………………….. I am so tired………………………….Its 1 am, I’ve been awake since 4am along with being really upset several times during the day.
Will tell you tomorrow how it went trying to get health care today.
Have taken to bed, can’t get up, just want to sleep this hell away – I know other people who do that just to escape the hell their lives are.
Yesterday I started to organise trying to access health care about the lump I have because I knew I could not return to the last doctor I saw at the Masterton Medical Centre. Last time I had a cancerous lump I was turned away by Masterton Hospital, Lower Hutt hospital, Whaiora (twice), Featherston Medical Centre and Martinborough Medical Centre. Eventually I was taken by a friend (because I am scared of people at Mstn Medical who have rejected me before – Dr Maunsell particularly) and saw a doctor at Mstn Medical who burnt off the cancerous lump.
The next time I heard from Mstn medical staff was about three weeks later – a phone call from some woman, after she had received a phone call from ACC saying I was going to kill myself and was told to contact me. I was having a bad day and when she phoned I just hung up immediately and left the house as I knew the police wouldn’t be far behind. I HAVE NEVER EVER SAID I AM GOING TO KILL MYSELF – EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have said repeatedly that I want to kill myself as my life was so bad and explained what the suicidality is like and the thoughts going through my head. ANYBODY WHO LIVES THE LIFE I AM FORCED TO WOULD BECOME SUICIDAL!
When I thought the coast would be clear I returned home, I was afraid because the time previous the police had turned up Sgt Basher was with them and had been extremely degrading and insulting (I made a formal police complaint). There had also been three police cars – which is extremely frightening and embarrassing as my neighbours see this. The police did eventually turn up that day at 11.30pm at night, they knocked on the door and I freaked out because I thought it was Josh (my daughters suicidal exboyfriend), they questioned me as they usually do and left. I always feel intimidated by these visits because of the potential for me to be locked up and committed, they were nice police officers and left quickly. It is only 10% of them that are really bad, most are good and don’t really know what to do for me – they see how bad mental health services are every day – they pick up the pieces.
When I got home I discovered on my mobile phone 18 missed calls and a text msg. I answered the text message with very abusive language – I don’t know why – I wanted them to leave me alone I suppose, they are the enemy. I saved the two texts they sent and my reply, they did reply to my abusive text but I couldn’t read it and just stored it, so I don’t know what was said. I never heard another thing from them.
Masterton Medical betrayed me, they sent the police to bully me into shutting up about not getting the health care I am entitled to and exposing how corrupt the system and people involved truly are. When I needed to see the doctor about this latest lump I could not go back to Masterton as I don’t trust them, so in order to accommodate the impairments related to my disorder I have had to move doctors yet again.
Yesterday I attempted to get my notes moved from Masterton to Wainuiomata (I have a friend there who can support me to go to the doctor), I was told there was no way I could do it without them seeing a signed change of doctor form. I had no ink in my printer and no money to pay for a fax, eventually I decided to risk it and take my car, which was on empty (a 30 minute round trip from Carterton). When I got there I tried to stay calm but I was forced to wait and that always makes me more anxious. When I got to speak to the receptionist I became upset, saying I needed to sign a form, could I please just sign the form and go. Apparently I wasn’t using the exact procedure they needed as the Wainui doctor was supposed to provide the form – I had phoned Mstn Medical earlier and been told I could go in and sign the form as it would speed up the process of my new doctor getting my notes. Until the new doctor had my notes they would not make an appointment for me, no matter how urgent.
While at the desk I started to tick badly, shake and cry, barely able to speak and obviously very distressed. I find it really hard to hold my head up, I am so ashamed, you feel like a complete nutter when your body responds like that in front of strangers – but there is nothing you can do. At one point someone put their hand on my shoulder from behind and I freaked out, like I have never freaked out before. I recoiled like something really bad had touched me, moved 3-4 metres from the person and strongly told them never ever to touch me and how dare they touch me. The woman was one I had used to support me to make the complaint to Inspector Register of Masterton police about ACC and mental health (under Section 157 of the Crimes Act). Of course relatively recently Register had sent me a letter saying he didn’t believe a thing I said, ACC and mental health had advised them I was refusing their care and that was the end of that.
I know why I recoiled so badly, it is part of the rejection I experience at the hands of ACC and mental health. Again proof of the psychological torture ACC, mental health and police are putting me through. From my own studies I think it is part of an ‘attachment disorder’ associated with my Complex PTSD. Complex PTSD is called that because of the variety of different dysfunctional behaviours that come from it, eg eating disorders, anxiety disorders, violence, addictions and phobias.
Currently ignorant and bigoted ‘health professionals’ are looking at the symptoms of Complex PTSD as the cause of the dysfunctional behaviour. For example I was first diagnosed as having a Personality Disorder by Anne Walshe because of the dysfunctional behaviour she was told about when she assessed me. It was completely irrelevant to her that I was a normally functioning human being before I was raped, who had been in a long term relationship with children and running businesses (which if I had a personality disorder would not have been possible).
Currently in New Zealand there are large amounts of money being spent on drug counselling – due to the idiot Paul Holmes one man crusade to blame drugs for his addict daughter and not his own poor parenting. All incompetent health professionals who believe drugs are the cause of dysfunction rather than a symptom of it have been brainwashed into this neo-liberal belief. Easily done when the government took money out of mainstream mental health services, in order to funnel it into drug addicts. The sad thing about that is, those of us who don’t use drugs or alcohol to the point of abuse are penalised even further (ie you have to be a drug addict to get therapy).
At one point when ACC dumped me I started going to a drug counsellor as it was the only access I had to therapy. He was quite useless, promised to find out about eating disorders but didn’t, did several therapies with me one of which was about intimate relationships which of course I could not have due to fear after the rape. After this particular therapy our regular sessions ended as he was regularly away and then he resigned.
At the moment the DHB elections are on and I have to look at those vile people on the Wairarapa DHB who have ensured the degradation of mental health services in this region to the point of abuse. I have written several times to these people and been ignored, one of the members knew me a little from Greytown and I had written to her about my problems getting care – she discredited and ignored me. I have been sending a copy of these letters to the Wairarapa DHB but was told by their administration person that I should be making a formal complaint and it was not appropriate for them to receive my letters. I replied to her saying if she didn’t pass on these letters to every member of the DHB then she would be held personally responsible.
This separation between Boards and governance is really really bad – it is what stops those at the top from being held accountable for the damage, suffering and murders they are causing in our communities. The Wairarapa has one of the highest rates of suicide and child abuse in New Zealand, all the DHB ever do is marketing campaigns. Treatment care and rehabilitation are not available, what is there is someone to talk to, who will keep and eye on you and make sure you are doing what is needed to function or they will commit you. The threat of that hell works on 80% of mentally ill/injured people – people know this is happening, health professionals know this is happening, thousands of mentally injured/ill people know this is happening – WHY IS THIS HAPPENING???? This isn’t health care this is psychological torture and abuse.
Of course I know why this is happening, human nature being what it is and studying the history of human conflict and basic instinct behaviour in humans. A study of the rise of the NAZIs in Germany mirrors perfectly what is happening in New Zealand society as cruel immoral neo-liberalism replaces medical/scientific fact and Christian principles of caring for the poor and less fortunate. Of course as said before the Human Rights and Bill of Rights Acts were supposed to protect us from this sort of oppression and abuse – it hasn’t.
I get money tomorrow so can go and see my suicidal friend and help her with her court case against ACC etc as well as see the doctor about this lump. Today is going to be another long long day, I hope the policeman who was here yesterday doesn’t come back like he said he would. Although he is one of the good guys he cares to much and asks me questions that make me cry when I have to answer them. Especially about not getting care or the support of my family.
Just had another melt-down, when I tried to phone Wainuiomata Health Centre and get an appointment. The young woman was so stupid, I said the information was signed and on its way could I please make an appointment and fill out the form when I got there. She said no way, the right form must be filled out, she didn’t care if the issue was serious, I started to freak out which made things worse. She said go to a hospital I said I tried that last time it didn’t work. I offered her $100 (I don’t have) if she please made me an appointment, I begged and pleaded with her, she just got angry and more belligerent that I had to fill out the form.
So now I am going from a medical centre that I can’t deal with and doesn’t understand my ‘terrets’ type behaviour and considers me rude and abusive and person who doesn’t want care. To an new one who already thinks that about me – great. Every time I am rejected it is like running head on into a brick wall – rejection is my worst trigger, not being listened to is a huge trigger.
I was so freaked out after I got off the phone I started getting really strong visions of smashing everything, especially windows – I have to use every piece of will power and spiritual strength to not act on these thoughts. The visions of a knife slicing down my forearm …….. this is what hell is. This is suicidality and what I have to live with, these thoughts come from my subconscious I have little control over them. I started smashing my fist down on the desk I was at, as hard as I could, the pain was a relief, I stopped myself about the 6th time, I knew if I let it escalate I could have broken my hand or started giving in to the other violent thoughts. It is now bruised, sore and swollen. I have had experiences like this dozens of times over the past 11 years, ACC, mental health and many others know about them but still refuse to provide the health care I am entitled to (and have won two reviews to have reinstated). They refuse to accommodate my disorder, a symptom of which is violence – or what I call ‘toxic rage’ – rage at the injustice I am subjected to by health services.
After I got off the phone and stopped smashing things, my friend phoned, I reakon spirit told her something was up, I could barely speak to start with. We talked it through and I came down a bit from my escalated state, I planned to do some messages in town, take dog for a walk and come back home. You have to try and get back to a routine as soon as you can – the less time you spend in that angry state the better. It is definitely a pressure valve though, but extremely tiring as your body is rigid with rage/fear. You are so traumatised you become unable to speak, this is part of my disorder and completely ignored by the health services I deal with.
I found the form from Wainui in my letterbox along with a pile of junk mail which is currently strewn all over the footpath because I threw it everywhere. I HATE JUNK MAIL just more reminders of what don’t have and can’t have – it is sick. I filled out my name on the form and signed it, I was so traumatised I couldn’t fill out the rest of it. I wrote a note in really ‘angry’ writing (it is really hard to write when you are freaking out) saying I had a disability and could not fill out the form. Could I please do it with the help of the doctor. I posted it with my last two stamps fastpost, also with a photocopy of my Community services card, because I couldn’t fill out the details and I figured they wouldn’t see me without seeing my ID card that confirms I am poor.
What disgusts me about mental health services, is they try to oppress, discredit and medicate my rage, when it is justified and part of my communication issues. If I had the Occupational Therapist and mental health worker (5 hours a week, like in my ACC rehabilitation plan) none of this would have happened. Other disabled people get help with accessing health services – WHY NOT ME!
These deluded mental health professionals also believe by doing nothing my disorder improves and I will get over it. This is a neo-liberal fantasy, my disorder, dysfunction and ability to communicate with my environment becomes less and less without professional health care/support. Any of my friends will tell you how social I used to be compared with what is happening to me now.
My current worry about a growing lump under by breast and other marks on my body are not the only health issues I have. I have sexual issues and physical issues that have not been dealt with because I have no relationship with any health professional. Again if I had the treatment care rehabilitation and support I am entitled to under ACC, health disability, human and bill of rights laws then this would not be happening. Glenda van der ven Long, my old OT would be able to tell you what support I would have got if still working with her. Of course I wouldn’t be in the position at all of not having a GP if Glenda and Dr Alan Doris were still involved in my health care. Why can’t I have these people again? I am entitled to professional health care? I live in a sick and corrupt country.
My whole right arm is sore, my shoulder, the same one I hurt several years ago in a similar melt-down situation with a social worker from the local Salvation Army. My daughter hasn’t been home for days, all this time on my own is not good. I’m going to see my friend tomorrow, work on her case and spend some time together.
Planning some protesting when I’m in Wellington, annoyed I could not afford to attend the meeting last night by the Sensible Sentencing Trust about Mad or Bad and the levels of insane pleas. 11 years I have studied that very issue and I couldn’t be there because I had no money. Although in the fragile state I am in I probably would have nutted off and been arrested or suffered serious abuse from people for speaking out against discrimination of mentally injured/abused and mentally ill people.
Will try not to worry about the lump, to much other stuff to worry about – money, josh, my mental health, home, kids, etc. Another day living as a piece of human sewage in the darklands of New Zealand. Note this letter is not proof I am going to kill myself, do not phone the police to come around and hassle me – it pisses them and me off – listen to what I am saying and DO SOMETHING!
HUMAN SEWAGE LIVING IN THE DARKLANDS