Diary Entry Saturday 5 March 2016

Revolting day, barely able to do anything, couldn’t even put the washing on, or vacuum the car like I had wanted.  Spent most of the afternoon in front of the television channel surfing, wanted to go for a swim at the river but couldn’t bring myself to do it.  Have been sitting here thinking why I couldn’t move – of course there is no reason to, no person to cook for or be responsible to, no children, no family, no friends – the only friends I feel safe around are on facebook – which of course doesn’t make up for human contact.

All I have done all day is eat, after getting really upset at the supermarket yesterday when my card declined $7 and I had give the young guy serving me $1.50 in small change.  I transferred $20 from my firewood account – which is now at $80 and firewood is going to cost $700 – to buy some food.  I’m not eating what I would usually eat now I am so poor.  I bought some marrows because I got more for my money and one of the things I have been eating is grated and fried marrow – I couldn’t afford cabbage to go with it 🙁

I am 50 years old and having to deal with no knowing if I am going to be able to provide for myself on an almost daily basis – one of the most traumatising and stressful things any human has to deal with on a long term basis – makes my ability to function almost impossible.

I did go out to the Saturday market but it made me feel bad and a couple of people I know there were nice but when I started talking about what was happening, tried to change the subject and told me to do some crafts and they hoped things changed.  Things don’t change, things just get worse and so long as those people are having a good life, other people’s suffering is just something they don’t want to hear about.  That is why it is imperative the leaders of our society do listen and do something.

Its like everybody is in denial that it has become so bad in the darklands, they get ‘happy happy we’re great’ propaganda shoved down their throats everywhere.  Mostly through television – I understand now why most poor people I know don’t watch television they watch movies, who wants to be bombarded by what everybody else has and brainwashed to want what you can never have.  The current programming on all channels is horrendous, especially with house buy – I mean BUYING THE BYOU.  WTF is that bullshit, why would anybody in New Zealand want to watch garbage like that?

Was reading about John Tully earlier today and what was happening to him before he lost it and killed those WINZ workers.  He had been made homeless because of his disability and when he tried to return to his home town of Ashburton to die he was told there was no home for him.  I know 1000s of state houses in small towns were sold off in the 1980s and 90s – this has created and English type of elitism where the rich live in the country and small towns while the disabled poor are driven to the outskirts of cities in dysfunctional communities.  I assume so there is a cheap labour force for those who have money to use when they need them.

Carterton has a few flats for older people but no state/social housing for disabled people – they don’t want human sewage like me living here, they want rich people from overseas of the city moving in.  The mayor even said how great it was in the paper a couple of weeks ago.  Its like I’m a leper, something that these rich ignorant people here about in statistics but don’t actually believe exist.  They only believe everybody who is rotting on welfare with a disability is a bludger who doesn’t want to work – that is what they have been told and that is what it is easiest for them to believe.

Had the police here again yesterday, someone from either Gerry Brownlee’s Anne Tolley’s or Nikki Kay’s office phoned to ensure I was bullied and threatened with arrest if I kept phoning them telling them how bad life was for me and so many others.  Its truly sick what they are doing – separating themselves from the severe harm they are causing with their advancement of the rich and persecution of disabled poor.  This is uncivilized behaviour I believe driven by fear, stressed fearful people become mean, the strong attacking the weak is one of our most basic instincts.

Was reading on the Cultursafe facebook page that NZ has one of the worst cultures of bullying in the OECD.  That of course comes from the bullying and uncivilized behaviour of those who lead this country – both local and central government, media and big business people.  Letting these revolting people get away with human rights violations that are driving people to violence, addiction and suicide is so disturbing it freaks me out.  That our legal system didn’t stop this as it should have makes the fight against this gross miscarriage of justice seem insurmountable – but someone’s got to challenge them.

Was so disgusted by the behaviour of Chris Bishop in the house I emailed him and told him what I thought of his behaviour and pointed out that it was a lie to say the government was working for ALL New Zealanders.  When you consider what I have lost in the 7 years since these murderers and abusers came to power.  Firstly they put John Judge (business round table) into Chair ACC whose staff then illegally dumped thousands of disabled people like me off their books.  They did not build the required state housing for the disabled people they were obliged to by law.  In fact they closed thousands of homes for disabled and poor people, citing earthquake risks.  Then sold off most of it to rich organisations to develop into something different.

Paula Bennett would have to be the worst and most abusive MP of all, she cut the Training Incentive Allowance so I wasn’t able to study (even though I had been studying law in 2001 the year before I was raped and ACC was supposed to help me back to my previous life – they didn’t).  She made sure that human sewage like me had even less of an opportunity to be like other New Zealanders and own a home – I pay my rent every week, why can’t I pay a mortgage and have somewhere safe and stable to live.  Why do middle class people get to borrow money but I don’t.  Disability laws and other documents say disabled people are supposed to be able to have what ‘normal’ citizens do.

I believe the way the government has treated the housing of its citizens was a way of replacing income lost by driving hundreds of thousands of manufacturing jobs to overseas countries and poorer people.  So many people have rental properties now and most landlords or agents (so landlords don’t have to deal with any of the poor tenants) that is their means of income.  They hate spending any money on these homes of course and the prejudice they use to find tenants is causing dissension envy and hate among so many, especially young, those with children, single parents and disabled people like myself.

I have a friend who is an agent for a rich family with several rental properties, she tells me how she chooses new tenants – its against human rights laws but she doesn’t even consider that.  NO young people that might make a mess, NO children that might make a mess, NO unemployed people (which includes disabled people like me of course), NO people in temporary employment, NO people that look like they might make a mess.  That is how majority of landlords think, so where are people to live.  Someone who considers me a friend says to my face I couldn’t afford to live in any of the houses she manages.  She thought she might borrow some money to get her own rental property but worked out I wouldn’t be able to pay enough to cover the mortgage like she needed.

Lately I’ve been saying if I can’t work I don’t want to live – which is true – along with the fact that not working in the prime of your life means you are living in ‘relative poverty’.  People despise you and are scared of the situation you are in as they might end up there too if something happened to them – so avoiding me is the best option.

Had an interesting talk to Lord Nelson, policeman last night – just same police stuff about being concerned for my welfare – when they obviously are not.  He said the people who phone them are more concerned about themselves being seen to do something so if I did kill myself they couldn’t be held responsible.  Police only come to my house so they won’t get held responsible if I do kill myself.  Even though they have a duty of care to me – they actually make the duty of care to my family friends and community.  The government and our community hates the fact people are killing themselves, it points to an extremely dysfunctional society.  Of course the Christian belief that suicide is a sin creeps into everything – when of course people suicide when they aren’t loved and cared for as the bible dictates.

I remember listening to a teacher I know recounting the aftermath of a 14 year old girl killing herself at the college she worked at.  The way the school came together and supported each other, were supported by the community etc – it was sickening.  If a young person is going to commit suicide (because attempting it and failing just makes you more despised and rejected) the huge fuss that is made for those ‘left behind’ is DYSFUNCTIONAL.  I find that with many family members and people who have had people kill themselves (and you only have to look at the number of support groups for people who have had someone they love suicide) that they get massive amounts of attention, when mostly they are the ones who caused the death of the person who did commit suicide.

John Kirwan is being rammed down our throats on TV advertising at the moment, makes me want to smash the TV.  What an ignorant moron, telling people that going to a website was going to get them out of depression – a man who has all his basic human needs met obviously.  How is a website going to fix someone that has depression because of abuse, neglect, trauma, fear of homelessness or unemployment, debt etc etc.  People need people when you’re dealing with any psycho-social issue – telling people to go to a website that was apparently helping 1000s to overcome depression and anxiety is a joke.  Statistics only get worse for suicide depression, self-harm, eating disorders and more.  Also saying depression is about fear and a few other things but not saying depression is about BEING SUICIDAL is seriously disturbing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  If those in authority can’t even tell the truth then there is no hope these people are going to get the help they need.

Legally if people, especially those with disabilities (including people mentally injured by abuse and trauma) don’t have their basic human needs met – as outlined by Maslows Pyramid of Needs – then they are being discriminated against and suffering criminal neglect.


None of my needs on that pyramid are currently being met, NONE OF THEM, so is it any wonder I have suicidal thoughts constantly and self-harm, throw up food, tick, react badly to stressful situation, swear and talk to strangers about the serious situation I am in.  No wonder some days I can’t move, I spend most of my time trying to work out how to get my most basic needs met, which at the moment in our corrupt cruel immoral country is fighting the government for professional care from ACC.  No wonder I have an extremely heightened fight flight and freeze response.

What I am talking about is well known to thousands of experts & lay experts around the world.  Why aren’t they doing something about this – its truly sick and proves those in power are truly cruel and corrupt – they put their own ignorance and prejudices ahead of medical science.

Was watching an item about decriminalising all drugs on facebook today, the explanation the man gave as to how to heal/help people with addictions was amazing – fits perfectly with everything I have been saying, with my rehabilitation model and business plan.  Why wouldn’t it, my solutions are based on science not on ignorance and prejudice.


Need to get back to my report on the Celia Lashlie Day and get it sent – just part of me that believes nothing will change, nothing ever changes, things just get worse because we HATE people we should unconditionally love.  That is what the media says, the government says, lawyers say, the courts say and the leaders of our communities say.

Need to update my poem about supermarket shopping, how much it used to make me sad, now it makes me cry and want to kill myself.  Walking through a supermarket with $7 to get a loaf of $1 bread, I try not to look at the food everybody else can buy, food I used to be able to buy. Seeing people with trolley’s full of food, food I used to eat but can no longer afford.

Today I made a curry with chick peas, onions courgettes, pumpkin, carrot and a can of tomato soup someone had given me.  I had all the spices from ages ago.  Its still mid summer and hot but that’s all the food I can afford at the moment – plus it is comfort food and I’m still full from a plateful of it at 4pm with some rice I cooked yesterday.  What I really would have preferred to eat was breakfast of toast and an egg, lunch of a ham or chicken salad sandwich and some fruit, and dinner of perhaps chops and salads.  Can’t afford potatoes 🙁

I hear the neighbours coming and going, people visiting them, most of my visits are from police.  I don’t even play music any more, just have it quiet or with TV going.  I wonder if they’re going places to see people, have barbecues and be with family and friends, going to the river, having their nieces and nephews to stay 🙁

Feel a bit better now, its dark, have slept several times today so expect not to be able to sleep much tonight.  Want to go and busk at the farmers market in Carterton tomorrow, that would go down like a cup of cold sick – imagine me turning up singing Human Sewage, I wish I was Dead, Why Am I Arrested, Torture Wheel etc.  Nobody wants to hear this stuff, nobody in this town.


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